Arsene Wenger is a man renowned for his hatred of a number of things. Jose Mourinho. The international break. A congested fixture list. Over the course of November Arsene has had to deal with his least favourite person, Jose, and he managed to get through an international break without moaning about it too much. As November draws to a close it slowly becomes the season to be jolly for most people. However that’s not the case for the Arsene, as he and the team over at Arsenal are warming their hands over the fire as they prepare for a horrible Christmas period, as Arsene has been gifted his favourite annual gift – a congested fixture list.
As people stoke the fires, set up their decorations, and generally have a good time – Arsene and his permanent frown prepare for the darkest period of the year. If Santa Claus was a miserable sod who didn’t eat or drink quite as much, I can imagine he’d look like Arsene Wenger. It is this grey haired grim reaper that is there to guide Arsenal through a congested period that will see them served up on a platter by Man City a week before the entire country does the same with their turkeys.
Unfortunately for the players, the grey haired man they’re going to see most of this Christmas isn’t Santa Claus but rather a man who looks as if he could be his miserable anorexic brother. What is equally unfortunate is that as this alternative version of Santa, Arsene is only ever going to disappoint the players on the present front as well. It’s not that I picture Arsene as a man of bad taste in any way, but rather that he has proven over the past 20 years at Arsenal that even when armed with a clear need to purchase something he will consistently fall short. In fact, you may find that Arsene actually ends up selling the players’ current possessions to Man City before you see him actually come back from the shop with a present for them.
What would everyone at Arsenal want for Christmas I hear you ask. Well, Arsene would ask for a less congested fixture list, or even the banning of international breaks. If it was me, I’d buy him a new book of excuses for post-match interviews because “I’m sorry I didn’t see it” is getting a bit worn out now. The players are the ones who are in for the real disappointment this Christmas though, so I think it’s only right to speculate what is on their lists that Arsene will fail to provide them with.
Theo Walcott would probably beg for a chance in the first team as a striker. Get over yourself Theo, Arsene is too practical for that, he has a much easier plan for this situation: get a trusty Frenchman, perhaps Thierry Henry, to come out of retirement to play up front for half a season. Then there is Callum Chambers, a man desperate for a chance to impress the England camp. I’m going to be frank I’m pretty sure Arsene Wenger only signed him as a satirical way to ruin England’s young hopeful talent so that he can bring down the international break.
Mertesacker is probably after some speed (no, not that kind). I’m sure Arsene has a contact to help sort his centre back out with a new him, but no one can ever make this man quick again (if he ever was). Sorry Per. One man Wenger may actually sort out is his trusty Frenchman Giroud, who although not ever really performing – he consistently shows faith in. I imagine he’ll probably get him a modelling shoot. Gorgeous, gorgeous, Giroud.