A slight change in Lady Luck’s mood in the final weeks of the season could be devastating, like falling off a ride at a fair. It was going so well and now suddenly you’re lying on the ground, wondering what happened. Let’s find out who stayed put and who fell off the Premier League roller-coaster this week.
Jose Mourinho: Having spent the past few months tirelessly plotting and scheming, Jose finally got his revenge over Chelsea. To some, it seemed a bit like poking your ex in the eye after they dumped you, moving in with someone younger and classier and laughing you out of their home when you went back to talk things over. Nevertheless, Mourinho celebrated the massive win by proudly pointing to a sponsor’s logo on his tracksuit.
The Title Race: Neutrals, pundits, and Spurs had a trouser accident on seeing the United result. The title race is truly on, once they’ve regained their *ahem* composure and are ready for the next round.
Tottenham Hotspur: This could possibly be the least Spursy side of all time, although my prophecy about the wheels coming off in the final five games still holds. Harry Kane returned from injury and scored, reaffirming my belief that he is a fictional character brought to life by Daniel Levy driving a hard bargain with the dark arts. Come on, an England striker that can score 20 goals in three straight seasons and remain relatively injury-free? That can’t be right.
Vincent Janssen: Seemingly angered by his inclusion in last week’s ‘Bad’ section, the erstwhile One-goal Vincent scored from his own rebound, took out his phone and fired a smug tweet in my direction. Only one of these things is true, but you’d be amazed to find out which one.
DVD Publishers: Currently on stand-by for an order from North London that could be their biggest since 2008.
Bravo and Kompany: Vincent Kompany took a break from hospital duty to play and score for Manchester City against Southampton. As he wheeled away, screaming and shouting, Saints players looked at each other in bewilderment, each asking the same question – “Where’d he come from? I swear, I thought he’d retired”. To add insult to injury, Claudio Bravo kept a clean sheet. Bravo!
Xherdan Shaqiri: Fresh from releasing a new single celebrating a long-term relationship, Shaqiri added gloss to the occasion with a long-range stunner for Stoke City. A proud Gerard Pique, presumably watching the game on a television in Barcelona, fondly remembered the day he chose to ‘Get you a guy who can do both’.
Romelu Lukaku: Big Rom has handed in his two weeks’ notice and is working extra hard to show his current employers how much they’ll miss him. He’s bigger than a fridge, is he off to Stamford Bridge?
Sunderland: Moyes’ boys find themselves in unfamiliar territory in this column, after scoring two goals and gathering a point against West Ham. Have we printed the obituaries too soon? Nah.
Ross Barkley: Like a seasoned prize fighter, Barkley took one on the chin in midweek, got right back up and landed a knockout punch on Burnley, which sent them teetering towards a probable relegation scrap.
Chelsea: Party stores in the West London area received a call from a man speaking in a heavy Italian accent, asking them to postpone delivery of the banners and confetti which were ordered a few months ago. Is the next call going to the bottling company?
West Ham United: Included here for the crime of conceding two goals to Sunderland. One of the goals was scored direct from a corner without anyone bothering to touch the ball. They’re looking more like West Ham Untied, tripping over their own shoelaces.
Leicester City: “Wise men never sit and wail their loss, but cheerily seek how to redress their harms.” – William Shakespeare.
They ought to take heed, after blowing a two-goal lead and turning three points into one.
Liverpool’s Shooting: What’s more hilarious than a goalkeeper going up for a corner and getting stranded, while the opposition breaks with the ball? The same opposition trying and failing to score, with the goal wide open. Not once, but twice. Let’s just say, Xabi Alonso would have bagged a brace.
Hull City: Marco Silva’s men stepped on a rake, then tripped over a water hose and walked into a glass door, before they sheepishly picked themselves up, going inside and closing the door.
Swansea: Paul Clement’s charges came running in behind Hull, stepping on the rake, then tripping over the water hose and walking into the glass door, before they sheepishly picked themselves up. The glass door wouldn’t budge and now they might be trapped. With every passing week that Swansea fail to take advantage of Hull’s failures, they are confirming their spot in next season’s Championship.
Gylfi Sigurdsson: The musician who kept playing while the Titanic sank. I’m pretty sure someone will push out a lifeboat for him next season.
Jack Wilshere: When a supposedly good player joins an average team, he either raises the level of those around him or he himself drops down to their level. The latter has happened in the case of Wilshere. And now he’s injured. Wilsheritis!
Marcos Rojo and Diego Costa: One is a 27-year old Argentina international and the other is a 28-year old Spain international. But you would be forgiven for thinking that they are a couple of toddlers fighting in the playpen. Forget red cards, these two should play the next three games with a bib around their necks and a pacifier in their mouths.
Spurs Fans: As if ‘Bayern Hotspur’ and ‘Manchester Hotspur’ weren’t embarrassing enough, they go on and cheer Jack Wilshere’s injury, just because he is an Arsenal patient…I mean player.