So we all know how this usually works by now – I chat bubbles about 2 stories in the football world from the past 7 days and have a laugh at a transfer deal. Well, this week is going to be a little different. The international break has ruined everyone’s fun and cut us off from the Premier League for one weekend like Tom Hanks in Castaway. But fear not lids (that’s not sexist, it’s a universal term) as it’s Transfer Deadline Day on Thursday! So to celebrate the day that Sky Sports would make a national holiday if they could, I’ve decided to make some predictions on how this year’s summer Transfer Deadline Day will pan out…
- Sky Sports News will spend more time on having Jim White on player cam than they will actually covering any transfer news. The day will be so slow that it will basically turn into an 18-hour episode of Big Brother focussed solely on the Scottish anchorman. Nobody will be particularly arsed about what Jim is having for his breakfast but Sky will think it has gone so well that they announce on 8th September that he’ll wear a GoPro on a helmet for January Deadline Day. This is also a dead duck and ends up costing poor Jim an insurance claim after he rides into a car on his bike on his way to work and knocks it’s wing mirror off.
- A team of reporters will spend the day at various locations around the country reporting on the transfer dealings of the teams that are local. They will do their best to make the news they are telling seem exciting, although all they are telling is nobody is buying anybody. They will make some cringey claims about getting a nice cup of tea and a piece of toast, and thank staff at the club for their shite gesture. The poor bastards are stood there for 12 hours, least you could do is give them some money for a Maccies or order them a Dominoes.
- At around 7 o’clock, player cam is switched off as Jim White begins his shift. He makes his normal ominous claims about this being “it” and will try his best to add drama to absolutely nothing happening. Paul Merson will be interviewed and again proclaim that Jon Walters will be the signing of the season, before calling out Floyd Mayweather and claiming that he is about to take over the Boxing game. Floyd doesn’t reply.
- As the night wears on and we near the final hour (not going to lie, I haven’t got a clue what time it is this year. Let’s say it’s 11 o’clock), Jim becomes more and more excited. He starts making everything sound dramatic, even telling the watching audience when he is about to swig his “glorious” tea. They start speaking to reporters around the country who now have nothing to say indoors because everyone remembers Alan Irwin having a dildo waved in his face at Finch Farm a couple of years ago.
- The ongoing big story of the day is reaching its climax. The huge transfer of Ross McCormack to another Championship club with too much money who think he will be their saviour is about to be completed. Pictures emerge of McCormack holding the shirt of his new club and Jim White acts as if he has just given the nation the gift of fire, going into full messiah mode. Paul Merson reappears as a guest, announcing his shock that McCormack hasn’t been picked up by Barcelona considering Neymar’s departure. Viewing figures spike.
- After a well-timed break at 10.58, Sky Sports News comes back on the air with a shot of Big Ben. There is complete silence as the presenters await the chimes. But they have spent so much time presenting sports news, that they haven’t been keeping abreast of current affairs to be aware of the fact that Big Ben doesn’t chime anymore. They hurriedly start talking to Paul Merson and eyes roll off camera as Merson compares the sale of Ross McCormack to Chelsea’s purchase of Fernando Torres on Black Monday in 2011. But wait, it looks like one may have slipped through the net. There are late reports coming in that Manchester United have put in a last minute £25 million bid for Ross Barkley. Has it got “over the line”?
- Panic ensues in the Sky Sports studio. Jim White’s head has fell the fuck off and Paul Merson looks on in absolute bemusement. He tells Jim that this could be as big as McCormack but that he doesn’t rate Barkley all that highly anyway. Not long after, he falls asleep in the studio.
- Sky are desperately trying to keep ratings high. It’s now 12 o’clock on Friday morning but they are clinging on tightly to their audience. They fail to realise that 80% of their viewers fell asleep at 11.15 with the telly still on and their presenters are now talking to living corpses. Nonetheless, Jim and Natalie Sawyer plough on desperately trying to make the Barkley rumour seem credible.
- It’s now 1 a.m and the Barkley deal is pronounced dead. Apparently, the Premier League couldn’t “ratify the paperwork in time” (that old chestnut). Natalie is still looking chipper, as if she could go on all night and present Good Morning Sports Fans from 6 a.m onwards. But Jim is done. The Barkley saga has ruined his night. He thought this would be the one that finally got ratified after the deadline and eclipse Black Monday. He apologises to the viewership for another “De Gea debacle”, still not realising that the entire viewing cohort is now akip.
- Jim signs off and, off air, throws his microphone and yellow tie across the studio. Paul Merson awakes with a start and leaves the studio not saying anything to anyone, looking disheveled. Natalie Sawyer offers to do overtime but is told to go home and see her kids for gods sake. Jim goes home, has a whiskey and sits in his yellow study dreaming about what could have been. Paul Merson drives straight to the Bescot Stadium in Walsall thinking he’s going to work.