Pan the Pundits

Gary’s back once again, obviously he’s been told to turn every week to justify the Beeb paying him so much. He was joined this week by Yer Da and Phillip Neville. I’m hoping Phillip brings out a song called “Don’t Call Me Phil” a la Andy Cole.

We started this week at the United Nations who are slowly losing this gimmick with each passing day. By November they’ll have Brexited their entire team. They were hosting Pep and his merry band of full backs who were rather impressive in the way they won last week. I’m not one to hold a grudge but f**k them.

Can we just admit at this point that Sergio Aguero is the most underrated striker in the world? Honestly, when will he get the credit he deserves? It was another hat trick for the Argentine and he even laid one for Time Travel Jesus who firmly stayed in the present this week. Aguero’s third was particularly special as he got the ball and said “f**k it, time for a goal”. The UN tried in fairness but they were hampered by the presence of Tom Cleverley who was only ever seen giving the ball away.

To Crystal Ajax next who caught my wrath last Monday when they sacked Frank de Boer causing that joke to be made redundant. I’ve spent the week looking at highlights of Frank’s four games in charge while listening to “Tell Me A Lie” (name the reference here and you’ll win my love and affection). They’ve now appointed Woy which is a guarantee for excitement. They were hosting Southampton who will never be this early in MotD again.

The most entertaining thing about this game? Steve Wilson turning into football’s David Attenborough as he spotted a wild Virgil van Dijk on the Southampton bench. Steve Davis scored the winner for Saints but who cares?

To Newcastle next who are about as rare a sight on this as Spurs and West Ham. The Toon are coming off the back of beating West Ham and Swansea but sadly won’t be getting a medal any time soon (Talk From The Top Flight reference). They hosted Stoke who are destined to finish eighth.

Has someone got a medal for Newcastle? Despite Special Agent Joselu’s best attempts, Stoke were just a bit s**t and deserved to lose. Newcastle are looking far safer than they did in the opening weeks and look set to meet all expectations. They could do with a better striker than Special Agent Joselu though.

This week’s Lineker Special was with Rafa who looked confused at the prospect of Yer Da in his underwear.

It was to Anfield next where Liverpool started the game with seven men thanks to Liverpool’s back four being essentially pointless right now. Onyx’s Burnley were the visitors and given their record this season you’d be surprised if they didn’t go on and beat everyone in the top six.

I’m a Liverpool fan so this will be short. Salah’s magic, Klavan’s not. Sell Lovren. Move on.

We travelled back in time next for a trip to Bournemouth who had a nightmare start by being only slightly better than Palace. They were hosting Brighton who had a Pascal Big win last week. I’m not even sorry about that either.

Bournemouth are off the mark! I’d deduct them three points though for letting Jordon Ibe just have Jordon on his back though. Jermain Defoe got rid of the bus pass to score the winner with Ibe starting to justify his £15 million fee… about a year too late.

We’re off to Huddersfield next for what I think is the first time on PtP. We’re breaking new ground guys. Jurgen’s pal was embarrassed last Monday by losing to West Ham, who we all know are a bit s**t. It did their title bid no favours either and they hosted Leicester who are still Stoke with a title. You can’t convince me otherwise.

That was an entertaining draw. Huddersfield replaced a big striker named Steve with a big Belgian lass named Lauren and she scored and looked generally not that bad. Leicester loaded up Jamie Vardy with WKD to get an equaliser but didn’t give him enough to get a winner. Note to Craig Shakespeare: BUY MORE WKD!

To Wembley next where Harry Kane has been anointed the greatest striker to have ever lived. Swansea were the visitors, a club with about as much threat as a toddler with an inflatable hammer.

Hahahahahahahahaha lol rofl lmao. Spurs managed to mess up what should have been a routine win by just being Spurs. Swansea’s SmartPrice defence must be having a party after this one. Pearce’s post-match question to Pochettino elicited a response that was measured and considered; mostly to avoid being fined for telling that clown to f**k off.

We finish off at The Wall this week where West Ham were the visitors. Tactics Tony is now the second greatest football genius of all time after I spent my weekend watching the opening episode of Big Ron Manager. West Ham were celebrating the continued return of Andy Carroll who, next month, will score five goals, look like the saviour then get injured for the rest of eternity.

Just how has Joe Hart ended up with a clean sheet behind that defence? This one finished 0-0 with Slaven Bilic looking set to be in charge for the next decade in some kind of sick Wenger-esque prank on Hammers fans.

So, what did we learn this week? You can replace Steves with Belgian girls named Lauren, Slaven Bilic is a sick prankster, Vardy needs more WKD and I need to take my girlfriends advice and make references more than three people understand.