“Arsenal and Tottenham, you are live on Channel 4. Please do not swear.”

Pan the Pundits

What’s all this then?

Well, it’s Pan The Pundits and I would attempt to explain my absence but I can’t be arsed so let’s get into it with Gary, Danny and Dion Dublin sans Dube which is kind of like that one mate who usually brings the beers to your house showing up without the beers. We want the bloody Dube Dion!

We started with Manchester City this week who apparently don’t have another league game until March now, the skiving bastards. Seems Pep is so confident in winning the league this season, he’s willing to take his own mid-season break. They were hosting Leicester who I’ve said are very good but had a well-groomed brooding man sitting on their bench. Riyad Mahrez was there too.

Oh, Kasper mate. If you’re going to give away sloppy goals then maybe do it against a side like West Ham who you know can’t defend. Poor Leicester were bullied here by Sergio Aguero whose fourth can be only be described with a sound along the lines of “wooftsh”.

It was the North London Derby next and it is still the most overrated game in history. Honestly, it would feel less contrived if they just stuck all 22 players into a house and scripted some scenarios for them to fumble f**k their way around. And it’s at Wembley too which is the footballing equivalent of bleach; how sanitised can you get?

1-0 North London White. I honestly hate both clubs.

It was Goodison next where Big Sam isn’t exactly the most popular man in the world. Maybe it’s the fact that Everton are wank that isn’t really helping his cause. Or that he’s basically a melting wax figure. They were hosting the Wevolution who now have more than Christian Benteke up front. Lucky them.

Everton won in the most Everton way possible: shite goals. Oumar Niasse has a head like a 50 pence piece, their defence is woeful and the fact they’ve spent Saudi Arabia’s GDP on the likes of Klaasen and Mangala is criminal. Palace probably could have got a point if they had a competent striker.

It was to West Ham’s generic shell where they were hosting Watford. The Hornets beat Chelsea which at this point is like bullying a fat kid. West Ham welcomed back Marko Arnautovic who has clearly been watching Romania circa 1998 #nichereference.

I haven’t quite decided what’s worse: West Ham winning a game easily or Watford not following up that Chelsea win. Arnautovic is still an angry arse and West Ham are still not very good but it’s gotten to that point of the season where even I can’t be arsed giving them grief anymore. Dawbers.

Thankfully, my mood and will to live was improved by getting to see Swansea host Burnley. Nothing like that to truly brighten up your day. In all seriousness, could either team be less newsworthy? Swansea have won some games but that was obviously going to happen when you get a manager who, you know, knows what he’s doing while Burnley haven’t won a game because well no goals. Swansea won because they had the Ki.

We finished this week at Stoke who have become another anonymous side after they actually listened to me and fired Mark Hughes. They were hosting Brighton who are still not very good.

At least we got some action. The ‘infuriatingly inconsistent’ pair of Izquierdo and Shaqiri got goals while a special mention goes to Jese Rodriguez who has done absolutely nothing all season but did throw a monumental tantrum because Charlie Adam is a fat fud who can’t score penalties.

So, what did we learn this week? Well, this week’s show has made me lose the will to live.

Goodbye.