Oh, you’re back. Sorry to disappoint you, but the race for the Premier League title ended many weeks ago. All they’re doing now is fulfilling their contractual obligation to play each other twice. That’s all there is to it, really. What about the relegation fight, you ask? Well, here’s another question to answer your question – would you miss any of the teams that go down? I would, if I’m being honest. Relegation means three less basket-case clubs and tales of mismanagement to make fun of. But while they’re still in the top flight, let’s have a look at how they fared this weekend.
Manchester United: Oh, how they needed this. Oh, how Mourinho needed this. Accused of single-handedly reducing the sales of sleeping pills by 40% through their dour, boring play, Mourinho took it upon himself to rid his team of their “boring” tag. He could not have chosen better opponents to do this against. A thrilling, youthful Manchester United team hopped up on M&Ms and Skittles tore the newly rebuilt Liverpool defence to shreds. Even van Dijk could not stop the waves of United attacks. By the time the Liverpool attack came to their senses, the bus had been parked, windows sealed shut and tyres deflated.
Jose Mourinho: There’s life in the old dog yet, even though lately he’s been spending his days snarling at passers-by and wistfully looking at the neighbour’s plants across the fence.
Marcus Rashford: Cometh the injury, cometh the replacement. All’s not lost, England.
Tottenham: Leapfrogged Liverpool into third place and they now have a cushion of five points between them and Chelsea in fifth. Although Spurs still need to play Chelsea on April Fools’ Day, it would be a rather cruel joke if they fail to qualify for the Champions League after keeping the pressure on for so long.
Heung-Min Son: “Who needs Harry Kane when you’ve got Son?” cried the Spurs fans in unison, tears welling up in their eyes and flowing into their beer glasses.
Those Dortmund Days: The two players whose names could win you a Scrabble game in two moves revived their telepathic connection from their days in Germany, scoring and assisting each other. See what a little bit of patience and zero expectations from the season can do to a side?
Chelsea: Hanging on to the coattails of the fourth placed team, but only just. Perhaps they are biding their time, waiting for another season-defining slip by the team in fourth.
Newcastle United: Rafa Benitez flexed his tactical muscles for the first time in ages, as Newcastle spanked the sorry Saints at Saint James’ Park. If Mike Ashey refuses to sign any more players in the summer after watching that performance, Rafa has only himself to blame.
Kenedy: Jrobert ‘J Silent’ F**king Kenedy, or JFK as he is affectionately known all over the world (except China) answered Rafa’s distress call and added two more goals to the hundreds that Chelsea loanees score every week for other teams.
Cenk Tosun: The Turkish striker has been seen outside Big Sam’s office, shouting “I’m a peacock, you gotta let me fly!” at the top of his voice on most days. A goal towards the end of the game justified his protests, although Allardyce might have found it a bit too vulgar for his taste. Expect Tosun to not play a single minute from here on and be loaned out in the summer.
Petr Cech: His first penalty save for Arsenal after letting in around 386 of them.
Burnley: Just five points separate them from history. Come on, Sean, get it done.
Harry Kane: It wouldn’t be a World Cup year without England’s best player getting injured and putting his participation in the tournament at risk. On the bright side, England’s corners might now clear the first man.
Liverpool: It would be quite a tale if history repeated itself, at a club obsessed with its own history. Watch out for banana peels!
Southampton: Getting by on a wing and a prayer so far, but now it seems only divine intervention will save the Saints from relegation.
Mauricio Pellegrino: The most uninspiring and underwhelming managerial appointment of a season which has seen the likes of Pardew and Allardyce return to management. We’ll probably forget him by the morrow, Southampton won’t forget him in a hurry.
West Brom: Dead and buried, with teams turning up every week to dance on their grave.
Alan Pardew: “How is he still in a job?” is a question often asked about Pardew and The President. In both cases, answers elude us.
Troy Deeney: Ain’t karma a bitch, Colonel Cojones?
Crystal Palace: Their only hope of survival seemed to be the continued presence of Pellegrino in the Saints’ dugout. Now that he’s been booted, Palace might find themselves up sh*t creek without a paddle.
Bournemouth: Some would say they scored too early. Then went on to concede far too many.
Alvaro Morata: The Spaniard just can’t stay out of the referee’s book. As his yellow cards count surpasses his goals tally, one can’t help but wonder if Chelsea have ended up with Diego Costa lite.
West Ham Divided: Around the world, people were treated to the sight of Mark Noble assisting in the birth of a calf in the middle of a game this weekend. At least that’s what it looked like from the stands, a mile away from the pitch at the London Stadium. In reality, Noble had tackled a fan who had invaded the pitch, presumably emboldened by his balls growing larger than his brain. Or so we thought. This was, in fact, part of ugly protests by West Ham supporters against the owners, who have not only burdened the club with David Moyes but seem to be willfully steering it towards a cliff. The Dildo Brothers were heckled and had objects chucked at them by a furious fanbase who have grown weary of taking it up the arse ever since they bought the club. It was only a matter of time before the roles were reversed.