A genuine Fantasy Football tip, from me to you


What a long couple of weeks eh?

No real footie, pretending to care about England (again), big juicy super-moons we can’t see, and Donald Trump, who unfortunately we can see. Sigh – it has all been rather dreary.

Obviously, there’s only one proven anti-dote to all this: sit in a darkened room and count down the minutes until the Premier League returns.

And guys ‘n girls, it’s almost here. Crack open that door a little and lick it. It tastes sweet, like Eden Hazard’s sweaty ankles. Soon all woes will be behind us.

However, on a personal note, I must admit I have actually quite enjoyed the Premier League break. It has given me time to reflect on my new status: a leader amongst men.

Yes – you got it baby, a Fantasy Football leader (the title never lies). And as other FF leaders out there will know, during the International break nobody can catch you. Insert evil laugh.

I lead all my leagues, I’m top of the pile, I’m cream of the crop, I’m a winner (except for the thousands of people with more points than me, but they are strange-rs.)

Joining Trump as a leader amongst men, I feel it is my responsibility to give you a piece of Fantasy Football advice. And ahead of a weekend where Man United host Arsenal, and West Ham travel to Spurs, mine is simple, become a girl.

Because I am one, and I tell you something, it’s definitely working. I’m not even trying and I’m smashing it out the ballpark.

After working in sports journalism for many years, I know a fair few things about soccer-ball, but when I listen to men reel-off stats for every player and fixture – I simultaneously think two things (first thing: boring bugger-face, second thing: god, I know nothing!) Well in Fantasy Fantasy Fantasy land it seems your stats can kiss my ‘uniformed’ arse.

In all honesty though, it’s tough being a leader amongst men. Firstly, there’s nothing particularly feminine or sexy about winning (lucky escape, Clinton). Secondly, as a female, we are often expected to accept our victories modestly. I can’t really write this article (whoops), or wind guys up that I am above them ‘cos they tend to get a little PMS-y. If you know what I mean.

It’s Catch Frickin’ 22 – what do I get from being a leader? Just a reminder that my passion for football has once again driven me down a lonely alley with few allies.

But I’m not bitter, oh no, so I’m going to give you some more advice.

Only choose players if you ♡ heart ♡ them. Or if they have a cool name like Shaqiri or Fuchs. For example, with me, Chelsea players struggle to get anywhere near my team, and I have never ever, ever, ever chosen that Diego Costa. Ghastly man. Zlatan Ibramhimovic better not hold his breath either.

Thankfully, this tactic often works out. For example, this weekend Zlatan is suspended and Diego Costa is all painy groiny. Tough luck boys! Even Hazard, who has a stunning 49 points from four games, isn’t sure to play.

Despite all this good fortune I’m having, I believe soon my luck will turn and my time as a leader of men will be over.

More than likely, I am the Ed Balls of Fantasy Football – I am not going to win. Some dishy young thing is going to salsa past me with Diego Costa on his arm, they’ll do a lift nobody’s ever seen before, get a whole bunch of 10s, and I won’t see them for dust.

It happens to the best of us. So please let me cherish my leadership status for now.

And may the best man win.