Premier League Roundup

The January transfer window reminds me of the wholesale period after Christmas when respectable, and even some of the not so respectable, establishments try to get rid of the junk leftover that has turned out to be nothing but excess weight. Yes, it is that time of the year when people buy stupid stuff they don’t need and, afterwards, bury their head in the sand. They tell themselves “I am a stupid person.” Well, don’t worry so much because even the privileged ones step on cow dumplings sometimes and by privileged I mean Premier League managers. History has shown us many times that managers in January are not that different than your average housewife entering the store with that distancing glare in their eyes. Their yearning need is to buy something new and shiny to satisfy the simple need of purchase. In this state, a person is an exquisitely talented con artist showing all their skills with the only purpose in mind – to fool themselves. Mark my words, January is a time of joy and laughter.

Saint Jurgen! Please end this for good. Get a goalkeeper and be done with it. He doesn’t even need to be that expensive or good. The most valued thing you are looking for in a goalkeeper is the ability to manoeuvre safely through the “Neville Flak” which covers the whole of Twitter. Joe Hart is not that guy. Come on, a Man City reject coming to play for Liverpool? He would be facing the endless barrage from the double-barreled Neville slug machine and he would be known as Joe Haha before the season would end. Kasper Schmeichel however? Son of a legendary United goalkeeper who’s dad´s voice is still ringing in the Neville’s ears when they make a blunder (or are about to.) Son of the red nosed menace that could throw the ball out of the stadium if United needed to win a game and collectively injure everybody who was in the vicinity of him coming to gather the crossed ball. Kasper would be a perfect fit. Sure, the Neville boys would be mad but still in check since the Dolph Lundgren lookalike’s Dad can still be feisty if the Valencia dropouts start to bully mini Peter. Or just get somebody who can single-handedly fix your not so heavy metal defence.

As a not a British person I have always had difficulty separating Alan Pardew and Alan Partridge. It does not bother me that much anymore since nowadays I have difficulty in trying to figure out which actually made me laugh more! When Partr…Pardew sadly departed, the Eagles were presented with the former England head honcho Big Sam Allardyce. Almost geeky, Allardyce has always been heavily influenced with the latest technological advantages applied together with his no-nonsense approach on the pitch. Unfortunately for him his planned “controlled by my lawyer when meeting journalists” chip was not installed during the weird days of July costing him another bailout job before landing his latest bailout job with Palace.

How can you now hate the money spilling Chelsea? How? Stitched up from Jose´s rejects and other dudes found from the sewers, the Blues are looking to shake the other contestants off the cart early on. Playing exciting football and winning with Conte´s trademark 3-4-3 (spoiler – it is not really a 3-4-3), you are left without ammo to shoot towards them. Dang me! Conte did not only revive some of the players Jose already buried, he outrageously went and bought David Luiz back and now the Valderrama hair contest winner is reviving the libero in front of our eyes. I bet Mata is eyeing his phone so much that his wife is suspecting an affair! On top of that who have Antonio Conte himself. Magnifico! Bursting with childlike joy when his team scores and turning into melancholy infested mafia hitman while giving the press conference. What a character.

Jose, Jose. We have already mentioned him but you have to say something about Jose, you just have to. He is like a pinata hanging in the middle of the room. So much other exciting stuff around but you can’t leave until you whacked him at least once. The Chosen One who was supposed to that was the other guy, nevermind. United are looking good without the hair implant guy and I am feeling that Jose will have a shot at the most expensive bench race this year. He has a chance to win at least something I guess. I might be too rough on him. He has big plans for this January, just you wait and see. He is going to spend big money to have his team eventually rise and fall along with Michael Carrick´s performance.

One of the sad stories for the week was told at the City Of Manchester Stadium. Pep Guardiola, at the young age of 45, grey and enjoying the worst times of his career, has already contemplated the possibility of retirement. He is already feeling worn out after turning struggling midgets like FC Barcelona and Bayern Munich into dominant powerhouses in their domestic leagues. Taking over a subpar Manchester City and now steering it to the brink of Europa League qualification, I am not surprised he is considering retirement.