Arsenal’s largest shareholder Stan Kroenke (also know as Silent Stan) today broke his stubborn silence in a statement to fans that revealed that he was delighted with their Premier League form this season. This was a surprise to many pundits and especially fans with many believing that with Arsenal currently sat in 5th place they are underachieving this season. With Arsenal currently occupying a Europa League spot they could miss out on qualifying for the Champions League for the first time in 18 years. But Stan Kroenke revealed this was one of the reasons he was so happy; “Many fans are deeply unhappy that we consistently finish 4th each season, this season it looks like we’re not going to which should delight the fans,!” He continued, “I’m excited with our position in the table, at this time of year we’re usually in the top 3 and then suffer an inevitable slump seeing us finish 4th but this year our form should actually improve! Probably. Hopefully.” Kroenke went on to say “Some fans are also apparently unhappy that we routinely get knocked out in the last 16 of the Champions League but I can see us maybe reaching the last 8 of the Europa League next season which should satisfy the fans.” Contrary to Mr Kroenke’s beliefs it seems that reaching the last 8 of Europe’s 2nd premier club knockout competition will not “satisfy the fans.”

Mr Kroenke has also addressed accusations from fans that he does not spend enough money in the transfer market. Today he told fans he’ll spend “big bucks” on players this window stating that “We may go all out this window; I could see us maybe spending between 10 and 20 million; I’m willing to spend lower 7 figures to see my Arsenal succeed.” He commented, “We always like to pick up bargains who will go on to play a key role in the 1st team, Sebastian Squillaci only cost us £4.5 million and we all know how much of an impact he made!”

With Arsenal facing Bayern Munich in the next round of the Champions League many pundits are unanimous in their prediction; Bayern to comfortably see off Arsenal but Arsene Wenger sees things differently despite Arsenal’s poor record in the Champions League Round Of 16. Wenger was quoted as saying “Yes Bayern have a strong side but I believe we are better in attack, midfield and defence. Yes, Jerome Boateng is a great defender but I do not think he matches the raw tenacity and aggression of Gabriel. For me Douglas Costa’s sublime skill and technique does not match Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain’s impressive work rate and perseverance and in attack Lewandowski’s ruthless finishing and predatory instincts do not impress me as much as Olivier Giroud’s magnificent hair and impressive physique.”

Of course, this interview probably didn’t take place.