Put on your yellow ties and bust out the 60-inch touch screen monitors, because it’s January Transfer Window time! We have twenty teams armed with more cash than sense and a whole host of unfancied and underused talents desperate for a move. How could this scenario possibly go wrong?
The big story is Bournemouth asking Chelsea if it’s kind of maybe possible that they could send John Terry down to the South Coast to plug their Nathan Ake shaped hole. Terry has never had dreadlocks nor has earned comparisons to Ruud Gullit, but does still possess just about enough quality to sure up a Bournemouth backline that has conceded six in its last two games. It’s easy to make jokes about John Terry, but it’d be undeniably remarkable to see him line-up in black and red.
Everton, meanwhile, are about to conduct the biggest transfer of the window so far. Reports claim a £22 million fee has been agreed with Manchester United for missing midfielder Morgan Schneiderlin. The Frenchman arrived at Old Trafford with a well-earned reputation to go with his big fee, but had to join the likes of Ander Herrera and Michael Carrick in grimacing at Fellaini’s latest gaff from the bench. At Everton, he’ll add to their collection of tough-tackling midfielders and push Tom Cleverley further down the pecking order. It’s already looking money well spent.
Fernando Llorente is finding himself unusually popular. The hulking Spaniard has made an impact as a handsome traffic cone in the Premier League thus far, yet finds himself subject to interest from Chelsea and, dubiously, Paris St. Germain. There’s little doubt Llorente would trade a relegation scrap for the comforts of a London or Paris subs bench, however one must wonder how Michy Batshuayi feels about relinquishing that spot to head West to Wales. Reluctant, I daresay.
Curiously, Llorente hasn’t been amongst the list of West Ham’s sprawling list of striker targets. The Hammers love a game of striker darts and seem to throw bids at whatever striker the dart lands on. From Lacazette and Bacca to Sunderland’s Jermain Defoe, their desperate struggle to avoid playing Andy Carroll every week continues with another bid for Brentford’s prolific Scott Hogan.
Manchester City have seen their attempts to recruit Bayern Munich’s Holger Badstuber on loan fail as the unfortunate German defender has chosen Schalke instead. Badstuber has suffered several serious injuries in the last three years, yet remained an attractive option for Guardiola, if only so he could stop playing Kolarov in the heart of his defence.
City aren’t the only big boy with an eye on the defence. Arsenal have done a madness by signing left-back Cohen Bramall from Hednesford Town. Bramall had lost his day job in December, but managed to impress Arsenal during a trial and, just like that, will now be wearing the famous red and white. Never mind the frequent comparisons to Jamie Vardy, Bramall will now have to endure thousands of fully-grown men vicariously living their dream of Sunday League to big time through him.
Last, but certainly not least: will Saido Berahino finally be released from the evil clutches of Tony Pulis and West Brom? Stoke City are the latest to make a valiant effort to pry the wayward striker away from the Hawthorne’s dungeons, and we await with baited breath to see if their rescue is successful.