West Ham United

You’ve got to feel sorry for Slaven Bilic after seeing him deliver his press conference, as he admits defeat with star man Dimitri Payet refusing to train with the squad or play for the team. Ah, who am I kidding? This is the type of news we want to see.

Hard man Bilic was reduced to tears and he suddenly became the new pantomime hero whereas the once loved and adored Payet is now very much the panto villain. Oh Dimitri, what have you done?

I’m searching for words that the West Ham fans would be using right now. For fear of this being censored I’m going to tone them down a bit. Actually I’m toning them down a lot, but words such a “mercenary, money grabber, wicked step mother” would probably all be used. Now the problem for Payet is what now? And, more importantly, where now?

Will another Premier League team want to sign him as he starts his one man strike? Would fans from opposing teams want him in their team after his refusal to play? Hell yeah they would! I will be screaming from the roof tops if my team fails to put in a bid. But one thing is for sure, Payet is a “top top top top player,” to coin a phrase from the delightful Paul Merson. As we know Magic Merse knows a thing about a player or two, and more importantly their nationality – Thierry Henry anyone?

Unfortunately for me I think my screaming will go unheard and you can expect large bids from the Manchester pair, Chelsea, PSG, and let’s be honest anyone with large amounts of cash burning a hole in their already deep pockets. Add to that every team in China and I don’t think the midfield maestro will be short of takers.

It’s surely a question of how much the fee will be and what ambition Payet has.

But how much is Payet worth? And with 4 and a half years left on his contract he won’t come cheap. According to some, and don’t get me started on this, but Dele Alli is worth £80 million. Surely then Payet’s price must be just as crazy if not more? It’s time for clubs to start looking down the back of the sofa for that lost change.

Now West Ham do, of course, have the option of just saying no and letting The Evil Jafar rot in the reserves or even the ultimate humiliation of training with the youth team. West Ham aren’t short of a bob or two either, so that is definitely an option. But knowing the owners David Sullivan and David Gold and when I mean “know” it’s not like I pop round for tea, in fact I’ve never even met them, but if ever there were two other pantomime villains from days gone by who would take the cash and run then these two are it. Or, alternatively, good businessmen is the other way to look at it.

Money rules, unfortunately, and the chances are they will take the biggest fee and ship him out. To be honest that’s what I would do. Take the money and send him on a long cruise to China. How about Jaingsu Sainty, Dimitri?

Still you’ve got to at least try and feel for the club, the fans and poor Slaven. Ah sod it, I can’t keep a straight face. I wonder what Payet looks like in red and white?

Coming to a club near you. “He’s behind you!” “Oh no he isn’t!”

Who says pantomime is dead?