What Tales Thinks: Match of the Day

Premier League Roundup

Cue up the music it’s Match of the Day time.

We’re off and running with the B team this week. Seems Gary and the boys didn’t fancy it this week so we’re with Gabby, Danny and Wrighty. The boys have lovely fetching jumpers over their shirts. That could be a thing.

Gabby sends rather nicely to the show’s big game, as unbeatable Chelsea look to bounce back from their defeat at the relegation battling champions Leicester. There were plenty of talking points pregame – Diego Costa throwing a tantrum, Claudio Ranieri being named FIFA’s coach of the year – and this was obviously all too much for the person setting up as they forgot to zoom in on the game. Never mind, at least they got the snazzy in-net replays sorted though.

The big story here was how frighteningly easily Chelsea dismantled Leicester. Admittedly, Leicester did have Marc Albrighton playing right back but the fact that, without Costa, they still look they’ll slice you open faster than a samurai, it’s a bit scary for everyone else. Also, Marcos Alonso. Is he the best left back in the Premier League right now? Maybe.

For poor Leicester, though, it’s all gone a bit wrong. Their rock-solid defence of last season has returned to its natural state of slowly pondering and complaining while their best moment was when David Luiz almost put one past the perpetually bored looking Thibaut Courtois. When Pedro scores a header against you, then you know things are really not going well.

It was off to White Hart Lane next as Tony Pulis’ baseball cap attempted to get a 0-0 draw. Unfortunately for the cap and Tony’s tactical shout of “stay in the pitch”, West Brom managed to forget how to defend. Chris Brunt lost the ball for the second goal, Gareth McAuley put it in his own net and then thought he was Paolo Maldini for a split second. That ended with Spurs’ third goal.

In truth, Spurs were never really tested by Pulis’ men and Harry Kane strolled to the easiest hat-trick he’ll ever get. I don’t know if you knew this or not but he just became a father too. But Jonathan Pearce never mentioned that Harry Kane was a dad now at any point. Oh wait…

Still, Mr. Robot Wars managed to outdo himself with the post-match interview:

“Who’s the daddy?”

I was half hoping Harry would say Vincent Janssen but we all know he can’t score.

It was over to Swansea next where exciting managerial talent Paul “I was sacked by Derby” Clement made his Premier League debut in the dugout. If you don’t know who Paul Clement is then just know he knows some famous people. One was sitting on the bench too with Claude Makelele looking like he wished he’d never asked Paul to watch his dog while he was on holiday.

Hopefully, Paul knows some decent players he can sign because while his Swans really tried they flopped harder than Ki in the box. Two own goals aren’t helpful but neither is not looking like you’re going to score. Anyone know what Danny Graham’s up to?

For Arsenal it’s another three points on the board with the added bonus of a Danny Welbeck sighting too. Unfortunately, that made Alexis Sanchez sad as he was the poor soul that had to go off. He naturally threw a tantrum.

It was over to the Generic Modern Stadium with West Ham next where Slaven Bilic has had a tough week and he’s certainly looking a bit rough. A stereotypical continental tantrum has made old Slav a little bit broody and menacing. Still, deep down he’ll be pleased that he had to play one of the few teams actually worse than his this season in Crystal Palace. All it took was goals from Algeria’s Steve Stone, Lanzini and a bicycle kick from Andy Carroll on his obligatory excellent performance for the season. We’ll see you on the treatment table in three weeks Andy.

For Sam, it can be summed up by one man – James Tomkins. I have a running joke with friends (from playing FIFA) that James Tomkins is the best player in the world (because he’s surprisingly good on FIFA). Sadly, he’s not very good in the real world, as he proved with his awful miss at one end and lead-arsed attempt to catch Lanzini for the third goal. It’s like watching your nan chase the dog after it steals her teeth.

Over in Hull, they’ve got a new boss that nobody has heard of. And he’s foreign. And he replaced an Englishman most view as unfairly sacked. He’s rubbish, clueless, it’ll end in disaster. Guess what? He knows what he’s doing. Despite Michael Dawson moving at the speed of slow permanently, they came from behind to beat Bournemouth. Abel Hernandez got two with the first courtesy of Andy Robertson’s peach of a cross. Sadly, the Uruguayan channelled Bolo Zenden for his dancing celebration. There’s been a lot of comparisons to Jose for the new Hull boss and creepily he sounds just like him. When will the paranoia kick in?

Incredibly, we were sent to Sunderland next who I swear have overstayed their welcome by about three years. They were playing Stokealona who lined up with the exotic ASC up front – Arnautovic, Shaqiri and… Crouch. Luckily the big man is in form and even Ibra-lite Marko got two. Questions will arise around Vito Mannone in goal though. Questions like why is he even allowed to play?

Poor David Moyes will have little consolation from this game other than the fact that Jack Rodwell has finally hit puberty and is starting to grow a beard. There was a Sunderland fan angry during the game that summed them up – toothless and shouty.

To Burnley where the hosts decided the best way to stop Southampton was to put two men on the line any chance they could. Fortunately for them, Joey Barton was finally allowed out of Scott Brown’s pocket after four months to score on his return to being an insufferable clown.

We end at Vicarage Road where Middlesbrough looked to continue to bore their way to safety. It was the battle of the sides with dodgy recent signings. For all involved, it was lucky that Rudy Gestede and Tom Cleverley were on the bench. Nothing happened in this game. It was rubbish.

What wasn’t rubbish though was the excellent tribute to Graham Taylor at the end of the show. A really classy job from the BBC there.