Premier League Roundup

Let us take a little look at the current top six.

Just when you thought Conte had it sussed, Jorge Mendes whispers in Costa’s ear that some crazy guy in China will pay him nearly 600k a week to bite defenders over there. It’s like the X Factor over there with the drama that goes on. I’m half expecting to Louis Walsh to appear this weekend in a cloud of smoke.

But where Conte can’t Kante can (see what I did there?) The quietest man in football is like a turbo charged energizer bunny. No player has been such an influence on a team, well not since Mikel left them. Sorry but he was that bad. Without him Chelsea they would be about 4th. This is based on nothing but gut feeling.

What do they need this month? Nothing! Which is why they will buy something overpriced and loan him out.

Like the quiet guy at a party, my Spurs just get on with it. But the obsession with every punditis that if we got injuries we would have injured players. So yes, if we lost Lloris, Walker, Vertonghen, Alderweireld, Dier, Rose, Wanyama, Dembele, Eriksen, Alli and Kane we would struggle.

I do worry about Janssen, he can’t hit a banjo with some cows back side. But without Klinsmann coming back for a 100th time we have him and must put up with him.

What do we need this January? No dodgy lasagnes and remember that a draw at City on Saturday is fine.

For the first time since Rodgers’ shiny teeth almost won them the title, Klopp has managed to put Liverpool in a good position. This has all been done without a goalkeeper he can trust. I’m surprised no fan has asked what Stevie G is like with the gloves on.

With Matip being shocked about being not able to play after refusing to play for his country (who says footballers are stupid?) it looks like the red half of Merseyside must do a Newcastle and win most games 4-3.

What do they need in January? The African Cup of Nations to just stop being in January and decide to finally move it to June.

Arsenal are the OXO cube of the Premier League. They add flavour and sometimes smell wonderful, yet any hot stuff and they melt and fall apart. With Ozil and Sanchez doing a Walcott, who did a Cesc, who did a Henry who did a Vieira… the team are more up and down than Wengers coat zip. Apparently Arsene is much happier that Puma are their sponsors as the zip is on the right side for him to use now. I’ve actually not made that up.

Why Arsene doesn’t play The Ox is beyond most people, but then a lot of Wenger’s decisions baffle many.

What do they need in January? It’s beyond me, with Draxler gone to PSG they won’t be linked to anyone anymore.

You almost should love Pep the way he stands by his methods. The blind stubboness with Bravo, Stones, playing full backs in midfield and ignoring Sane, just shows what the Premier League is all about when Pep is in town.

How Yaya still moves let alone plays is something I can’t get my head round. He looks tired after 3 mins and can only muster the energy these days to hit a free kick for old times sake, straight at the keeper mind, while Silva and De Bruyne look on in despair. I feel for Kompany as he should be holding this team together and seems like a great bloke. He reminds me a lot of Ledley King, always injured but bloody good for that 20 minutes he can play.

What do they need in January? Messi, Iniesta, Puyol, Xavi, David Villa.

I have no idea what to make of Jose and his mixed-up team. It’s still top heavy from Van Gaal’s weird reign, yet Jose has somehow managed to make one of the ugliest defences in history. And I don’t mean Rojo’s love for a two footed take down.

# (the artist formally known as Pogback) continues to frustrate, and I’m sure someone in Old Trafford is concocting an anti-aging potion for Zlatan. The search for Luke Shaw continues and Rooney may have to stay another season just to break Sir Bob’s record.

What do they need in Jan? 6,000,000 RTs or Jose will drop #