Valuing Joey Barton’s experience and off-field contribution as well his debunking of the theorem that ‘walls have ears,’ successfully proving instead that they have holes in their feet, Sean Dyche has turned to him for some further words of wisdom.

Sean: “So, Joey, now that we’re finished with all that nonsense…”

Joey: “Is that a little plug for my new book: ‘No Nonsense?’

Sean: “Ha ha. Well, I…”

Joey: “Available in all good bookshops and some not so good.”

Sean: “If I had time to read, I’d have it on the pile next to my bed, along with Alex Ferguson.”

Joey: “Well he always made time an irregular construct didn’t he: one that could expand when United were losing and contract when they were winning? Anyway, you should always be able to make time, you’ve got a kettle and hob on your wrist that cost forty-five grand!”

Sean: “Kettle and hob?”

Joey: “Watch. Sorry boss; learned that at QPR. I now know what football players wearing blue and white hoops on a horse and trap are too.”

Sean: “I admire someone who travels and learns from their experiences as you have and that’s one of the reasons I wanted to talk with you today.”

Joey: “Mais oui! I could have got you a much cheaper piece off Birkenhead Market by the way; might not have told the time but would have looked the part – and nobody would have known it wasn’t genuine.”

Sean: “Thanks but image isn’t everything, Joey, although I am rather partial to a good mac. Back to basics, though: it’s about our away form. We’ve only got one point away from home all season but are ranked 6th in the league on our home form.”

Joey: “You’re all bum and parsley.”

Sean: “Eh?”

Joey: “Thought I’d throw one in that I learned north of the border – still part of the Union but different Rangers. Ha Ha.”

Sean: “Exactly. Across Europe, we’ve won more points at home than PSG, Real or Bayern. That’s why we’re 10th – up with the big boys: West Brom, Stoke, Bournemouth…”

Joey: “The Wind?”

Sean: “No, I just had the kebab…”

Joey: “Burnley has a reputation as a regional centre of excellence for the manufacturing and aerospace industries. It is also, being at the confluence of the rivers, Calder and Brun, a windy place.”

Sean: “I just knew that you would be the right person to talk to about this, which is why I brought you back. Everyone needs a friend, especially someone who is so well-informed.”

Joey: “Actually I just extracted it from Wikipedia: call it a WikiLeak but don’t lock me up nor nothing.”

Sean: “But you do believe that the wind could be a key part of our problem?”

Joey: “We look to the skies when sometimes we should focus on the ground.”

Sean: “Play to feet you mean? I knew it.”

Joey: “And maybe ask the Premier League to install wind machines along the touchlines of all other grounds so that it emulates conditions at Turf Moor, albeit on a level playing field.”

Sean: “I think that would cost too much, Joey.”

Joey: “Not if a levy was introduced on those clubs who shed too many notes each season just to show off like. Maybe a ‘Pogba Tax’ or a ‘Costa lot of dough’ tax or a ‘Sturridge… no, that wouldn’t work for long.”

Sean: “All good thoughts, though; any further input? We’re at Arsenal next and we’ll need all of that aerospace knowledge you mention to fly as high as the Emirates!!”

Joey: “I think maybe a linear, geo-spatial device that can route traffic efficiently is what you are looking for; maybe colour-coded to separate the woods from the trees, the honey from the bees, the rivers from the highways…so I brought you this. It should help to address where we are going wrong whenever we leave the northwest.”

Sean: “Fantastic. What is it?”

Joey: “A map.”