Welcome to my new weekly preview of the weekend Premier League games. Unlike Mark Lawrence I’ve never had a moustache. And if it takes off I’ll invite some fellow Tales writers to go up against me. No prizes, the BBC ruined that in the 90’s – just bragging rights.
Saturday
Liverpool vs Swansea 12:30
With Mane out in Africa, Liverpool are relying on the hot air balloon that is Sturridge. Never has a player been through so much sports psychology to convince him he isn’t injured. By the way if this has worked, I’m going to use the same guy to make be believe I look like George Clooney. They are up against the might of Tom Carroll this weekend. I know the lad looks like if the wind changed direction he would snap in half but he can kick a ball, 10 yards and sideways.
SCORE: 3-1 Liverpool.
Bournemouth vs Watford
No doubt Eddie ‘the kid’ Howe will have learned a lot from losing in the cup. He will have learned he only has about 13 decent players. Mid-table is their friend and this game screams of boredom. I mean have you seen Watford’s recent run? I barely know how to pronounce their manager’s name. I barely know their player’s names. Yes, this does say more about me than it does about them.
SCORE: Probably 8-8 after what I’ve said but 1-0 Bournemouth, if I’m honest.
Crystal Palace vs Everton
Big Sam must have thought it couldn’t be any worse than Sunderland when he walked into Selhurst Park. Oh, how wrong he was. Also, what’s happened to Cabaye? The lad was a monster at Newcastle and played for PSG! Now I hear he could be dropped. I blame Joe Kinnear; the lad has never recovered from being called Kebab. After last week’s win against City, I fully expect Koeman to play the under 16’s in the hope of finding more Tom Davies’s in Everton’s academy. Also, I want Barkley to join Spurs – so please boo him Everton fans.
SCORE: 0-0
Middlesbrough vs West Ham
My goodness, I feel for the fans going to this. This game as an afternoon snooze written all over it. I mean, if Boro fans will actually get excited about Bamford then that’s fine, just don’t expect me to be jumping in the air cheering if Sky are doing it as one of their main games on Soccer Saturday. I don’t feel sorry for Hammers fans, they are renting a stadium that is too far away from the pitch and their best player is on strike. Why? Look no further than the board. Ha.
SCORE: 4-0 cos I’m evil. Mind you, that involves Boro scoring four in the same game.
Stoke vs Manchester United
With Stoke finishing 9th every season, why do they even bother? I mean, Mark Hughes comes across as a nice guy but they should just stop now. Stoke oddly can’t fit Bojan into their side but can offer 48-year-old Crouch a new contract. You see my point?
Stoke could take some ideas from Liverpool. Changing to a brightly coloured strip forced Pogba to shield his eyes and concede a penalty. United have no money issues with the sales of Depay and Schneiderlin off the books, so surely now is time to bring Cristiano Ronaldo back, if only for the social media/merchandise war with #Pogba.
SCORE: 0-1 United.
West Brom vs Sunderland
This is a match to rival Boro’s one for boredom. Unless Defoe scores no one will. I really have nothing to write on this one. I just hope it’s dry, for the fans sake.
SCORE: 0-0
Manchester City vs Spurs 17:30
My nerves are already gone. Spurs are very black and white with this game. We either crumble to a 5-0 drubbing or somehow control the whole game and win 2-0. Which one of those beasts will appear this sat is anyone’s guess. My only hope is that Bravo has his clown feet on again. He must be worth the ticket price alone, I mean you never know what he will do. A bit like Pep and his tactics, actually. Will it be 3 at the back, 2 and a holding player, the 2 full backs playing as false 7s? I’m so glad he is here.
SCORE: 4-0 or 0-2. Or a draw. Or something.
SUNDAY
Southampton vs Leicester City (they won the league last season, did you know?)
Sky obviously lost the coin toss with this weekend triple header. To start things off we get a team who took 92 mins to score once against Norwich in the cup and a team who thought that doing the exact same as last year would be good enough to get into the top half.
I’m still that bitter, I hope they go down. Petty? Me? Yes.
SCORE: 1-1
Arsenal vs Burnley
Why show this fixture at the Emirates? It would be much more fun at Turf Moor! It makes no sense. For 90 mins Burnley are hardly going to see Arsenal’s box. Arsenal will just pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass and pass.
SCORE: 2-0 Arsenal.
Chelsea vs Hull
Another total miss-match Sunday. I suppose the Costa side-show will be interesting for five minutes, until Jamie Redknapp says something stupid. Good old Jamie.
SCORE: 4-0 at half time, choose your own final score.
Enjoy the games folks, I know I, er, will. Well, on Saturday anyway.