Todays Tales

There is no such thing as a dignified silence when Jose is around. OK, a journalist may have asked a question that led to a very honest answer, but I am choosing not to see it that way. Through my eyes, Mourinho has seen the world and his wife get linked to a “big money move to China” and his ego suddenly panicked. Sam Allardyce, linked. Roy Hodgson, linked. Diego Costa, linked. Even bloody Obi Mikel was linked and, I really can’t be bothered to check, might have even ended up there. Jose noticed his name was missing from such illustrious company and wanted everyone to know yesterday that he too had been “linked” to a “very big offer” from a conveniently unnamed Chinese club. OK Jose.

Jurgen Klopp has bigger things to worry about than whether his name is being “linked” to unnamed Chinese football clubs. He is still trying to find a way to get Sadio Mane on the pitch tonight so that Liverpool’s performance ends up nearer the 71% win percentage of when Sadio plays, rather than the 36% when he doesn’t. Hang on, something seems wrong there. Damn statistics. Anyway, following true African footballer tradition, Sadio appears to be running a little late in returning from AFCON 2017 where he missed the decisive penalty.

Ivanovic may have scored against Brentford at the weekend, but it has not saved him from the ultimate Roman punishment. Branislav must have done something wrong, because his reward for nearly a decade’s service to Chelsea is being sent to Zenit St Petersburg. Yeah, I know. He’s really pissed someone off.

Arsene Wenger thinks that some people would only be happy if he was in prison with no heating. I didn’t know he was planning a trip to America in the middle of a very busy Premier League week.

David Sullivan, the epitome of moral fibre, has hit out at the now-sold Dimitri Payet saying that selling him had been done in “the interests of squad unity.” Well, that and £25m big ones and a stinking profit, eh David? Still, I am almost giving some credit to the Hammers who made Dimitri pay back his entire January salary before signing off on his Marseille return. Fair play, that will probably pay the rent at the London Stadium for a while. Oh, no – the British taxpayer does that, don’t they? I am so out of touch out here.

David Moyes is having a laugh now, isn’t he? He must have seen everyone ribbing him for trying to rebuild his Everton squad up at the Stadium of Light and he is now either doing this ironically or he thinks it is a bloody good idea. Everton were cackling to themselves as they flogged Moysey Bryan Oviedo and Darron Gibson for £7.5m and said they’d stay open for business tomorrow if he fancies popping back for Phil Jagielka and Leon Osman. I know, Leon has retired but still. David might not realise that.

Ulloa is fuming that Claudio Ranieri turned down Sunderland’s bid for him. Did this bid really happen? I think not, Ulloa might play in blue but it is not Everton blue. The striker has now said he is going to down tools and go on strike, never playing for Leicester again. I think Mahrez might have got their first mate, though his strike only counts for 90 minutes on a Premier League matchday.