Manchester United

José Mourinho knows what he is doing. Why would anyone question this, ever? José studied sports science at the Technical University of Lisbon and was quickly able to apply his physical education knowledge to coaching under such football greats as Sir Bobby Robson and some who thought they knew everything already such as Louis van Gaal.

José has won lots of big cups and little cups along with a few hiccups with the clubs he has managed in four countries to date. He has also won league titles in those four countries, becoming only the fifth manager to do so. And yet, he remains as isolationist as the ill-fated League of Nations between the war.

José has been named the best Portuguese coach of the century by the Portuguese Football Federation – we’re not sure which century and can’t remember the names of any other Portuguese coaches at the moment; it’s not exactly Ronaldo v Nani but you know what we mean.

José is also, apparently, one of UEFA’s best 10 coaches in their history, presumably because he never just took the money and ran (as those few people who ever saw him play will confirm).

José knows what he is saying when he tells everyone that he is special. Why would anyone question this, ever? He follows a long line of Manchester United managers who were special – and others who just shared their problems with the press when The Samaritans pretended to go ex-directory.

Sir Matt Busby was special. He didn’t go to university; he went down the mines just as his Dad did before being shot dead in World War One along with three of Matt’s uncles. Matt won 13 trophies in 25 years with Manchester United, during which terrible tragedy continued to throw down its appalling challenges.

Sir Alex Ferguson was special. He didn’t go to university; his Dad worked in the shipbuilding industry and Alex only survived in the tough Govan district of Glasgow by selling counterfeit watches displaying 65-minute hours to shady men, dressed all in black, or British Rail officials. Alex won 38 trophies in 26 years with Manchester United.

José knows what he is seeing. Why would anyone question this, ever? In fact, some would say (the mirror never lies, honest) that he sees all, such is his omnipresence. José saw clearly that Hull didn’t beat his Manchester United team in the EFL Cup. This was confirmed when they failed to beat United in the league at Old Trafford with the help of the referee who – as José graciously admitted in a special, understanding kind of way – obviously felt sorry for Hull.

José has been in Manchester for nearly a season. Believe us; no, believe Him when he says that goalkeepers from the likes of Burnley and Stoke only really turn up when Manchester United are in town which is, well, just unfair.

José is a tactical genius. Why would anyone question this, ever? Paul Pogba can defend, just as he didn’t against Liverpool; Anthony Martial doesn’t try hard enough, just as he didn’t against Wigan when given his chance; Luke Shaw is to blame for everything including the Manchester rain…

Under José’s immediate predecessor Manchester United won the FA Cup but, to be fair, Dutch cheese is an acquired taste and United passed up on the option to continue. José’s team might well win the EFL Cup this season unless the Saints march in with greater belief in their team as they did against United just over 40 years ago.

If José’s teams are to achieve anything close to the glories of Matt and Alex, though, perhaps he needs to be less selective with his own microphone usage and take some advice from an ancient Scottish poem:

‘Aye, laddie, ye can take the boy out’a Glasgee,

But yon voice is only amplified

Once translated into the success of others, for all to see’