Hagon Hammers

David Dimbleby – “Welcome to Question Time where this evening we’re in the People’s Republic of Liverpool and I am joined by the following Liverpool Football Club officials Jurgen Klopp, Ian Ayre & Tom Werner.

Tonight’s first guest question is from every Liverpool fan in the country is, ‘WTF are you muppets doing?’ Ian Ayre if you’d like to take this one first.”

Ian Ayre – “OK thanks, David do you like my leather jacket? I’m cool, I’ve got a Harley Davidson too you know. Although I look about 65 years old I’m actually only 53, but even better still I like to pretend that I am 35 by poncing around the club and completing numerous commercially weak deals that take the club yet further backwards when compared to our rivals. I really enjoy engaging with global sponsors and realising deals that frankly most at a kindergarten could close, and of course driving household names away from the club and instead focussing on bang average brands, that no one has ever heard of until one see’s them on our shirts or around the stadium.

I often hobnob around the city pretending to run the joint and I am amazed that I haven’t been fired before now. I have singlehandedly done my utmost to ruin the club’s brand with a plethora of inept partnership deals which has seen our overall net worth rise (primarily due to the Sky TV package) but again has seen us overtaken by the likes of City, Arsenal and Chelsea as we have failed to leverage and monetize our potential effectively as the most successful British club in history. This has also been underpinned by lots of ridiculous personnel decisions and processes which I have personally overseen and/or designed.

Furthermore, I am extremely proud of the transfer deals I haven’t completed and have avoided bringing in necessary high-quality players into the club at crucial moments. I have implemented the world’s worst transfer committee that most likely cost us the league when ‘the Brodge’ was in charge. I am particularly proud to be associated with the transfers of Costa to Chelsea, Willian to Chelsea, Micky-T to United and who could forget how I got Sanchez to change his mind last minute and go to Arsenal for less money. I was also responsible for the ticket price fiasco last year, this took place after I landed some really big deals and I thought it would be a really good idea to hike up ticket prices by an average of 10%. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to finish this project and I was asked by my boss to issue a formal apology.

Thankfully for everyone associated with the club, I am due to step down in May of this year. I plan to move out of the area and grow roots in Manchester near Trafford Park which is my spiritual home and where the club I have been supporting reside. It has been a great privilege to serve United and ensure that they are now nearly three times the commercial giant that Liverpool is. Moreover, I hope the decisions I have made at Liverpool have justified the continued investment Sir Alex, Roman, Sheikh Mansoor and Stan have all made in me in addition to the £1.2M I took from the club in salary last year. Adios baby, Bowdon here I come.”

Dimbleby – “Uhh urrm thank you Ian, the same question to you Tom.”

Tom Werner – “I have nothing to add other than Ian won’t be relocating to Trafford in May, instead he has an urgent appointment in Bavaria in the 2nd tier of German football with TSV 1860 Munchen starting tomorrow. Ride that one off!”

Dimbleby – “Uhh urrm thank you Tom, the same question to you Jurgen.”

Klopp – “Mostly thanks, David, I am totally delighted to be learning about the club still and now I have all the answers to the many important questions I have been asking throughout the month of January. Will I start to share my learnings, OK yes?

Without Ian Ayre here am I likely to be able to secure the services of players I actually need? Yes & best of luck in Bundesliga II. Hahahaha. I alzo understand now that when the team are playing very poorly that there is no point in asking the crowd to get behind the team by gesticulating in the most aggressive fashion and signifying that I have lots of passion. Me having more passion and the ability to do really quite scary gurning on the sideline than say Emre, Alberto or Ragnar have skill on the pitch is a problemz that I must not highlight anymore. Right ja OK?

I have also decided that Lucas is the worst Brazilian footballer ever and can be proud to take that mantle from the Gilberto who was at the Arsenals. I think maybe it is time to help him find his happiness elsewhere, ideally a rival. It is amazing but I having learnt that English Premier playerz are total wussies and are unable to take a robust preseason. They are all flaking up like one of your crazy how do you say, Eccles cakes.

I now know that Sturridge is what you call a busted flush. I can tell you that MoPo is now staying in the UK to manage Tottenham having realised that revenge on Michael Owen will end up in a long stretch. I bought Karius because Simon Mignolet is an anagram of ‘Imminent Log So’. However, Loris Karius is also an anagram for ‘Sour Air Silk’ so I should have known better.

Is the special one still special? No, he is now both the boring and average one. Finally, this month we played more like Soft Euro House than Heavy Metal thiz will change immediately returning to soft thrash before a blast at death metal and grunge punk, which will see us secure 3/4th place come May 17.”