You know your club is a glorious failure when a highlight montage focuses on how much you bottled the title race midweek. Such was the fate that befell Arsenal on this week’s Match of the Day as they travelled to face Antonio Conte’s Empire on the Death Star (that’s Chelsea at Stamford Bridge to you). However, unlike the actual Empire or Death Star, Chelsea don’t seem to have the convenient weak spot to destroy their near invincibility.
And that was very much evident here especially when Marcos Alonso channelled Tito Santana with the flying forearm to Hector Bellerin for the first goal which looked a lot worse in the replays than it did in real time. In truth, Arsenal had chances but comically shot themselves in the foot repeatedly, Chelsea’s second and third prime examples of that.
Thankfully, though, Shearer and Wrighty touched on Alexis Sanchez’s tantrums which were always fun to watch.
It was to Everton next where two teams with contrasting fortunes met. Bournemouth have been sinking faster than Portsmouth through the leagues while Everton have snuck, much like the Repo Man, into European contention. It’s difficult to see why Bournemouth are struggling to stop their backline, I mean only about half of Everton’s goals were their own fault.
Bournemouth are actually very good going forward even in spite of Callum Wilson’s papier-mâché knees. Jack Wilshere is looking like a player reborn in their midfield especially considering his glass bones have previous for disintegrating. That wasn’t very helpful though as they were hit for six with Ross Barkley scoring the most presumptuous goal in football history.
In excellent analysis news, Alan Shearer spent a good two minutes talking us through Lukaku’s four goals. Unbelievably nothing insightful or interesting or life-changing was said. Thanks Al.
It was off to Palace next where Big Sam can get you anything for a price apart from a win. His revolutionary transfer strategy of attempting to sign 50 players in January brought about a 6% return and two of them were left backs. Meanwhile David Moyes has been attempting to recreate the glorious final days at Goodison with Darron Gibson and Bryan Oviedo on board Moyesey’s relegation bus. Sadly, Leon Osman, Thomas Gravesen and Lee Carsley decided against hopping on too.
In the end, though, it was Moyes who had the last laugh as his team turned up for once. As it turns out James Tomkins really is not the best player in the world as Palace are slowly sleepwalking to relegation at this rate. What will be more worrying for Sam is not that his relegation-proof methods aren’t working but that they couldn’t score against a Sunderland team with Vito Mannone in goal and with Jack Rodwell, who hadn’t won a game since the Romans invaded Britain.
In more excellent analysis news, we were shown analysis of Big Sam dancing with a big eagle. It was a good night from Shearer and Wrighty.
We were off to Hull next where their unknown foreign manager has shown that he knows what he’s doing. It’s almost like he has done it before. They were taken on Liverpool who have once again become the butt of every joke with the latest concerning Roberto Firmino’s excellent decision to drink-drive. And by excellent, I mean colossally idiotic. Don’t drink and drive kids.
Liverpool were absolutely terrible once again with Simon Mignolet returning to top form gifting Hull the opener and fully deserved to lose especially when they also conceded to Everton’s worst signing Oumar Niasse. Even Italian Twitter was laughing when they heard Inter joke Andrea Ranocchia had kept a clean sheet and got an assist. Thankfully, Alan told us that Liverpool won’t win the title which is obvious since Chelsea are about three light years ahead of everyone else.
Next, we were sent to White Hart Lane where the world’s most exciting team took on Spurs. Aitor Karanka has even said he was excited about signing Rudy Gestede as well so it’s clear he’s losing his mind from watching his team every week. This game was about as exciting as you’d imagine so quick recap – Spurs win 1-0, Boro created little and Harry Kane scored a penalty. Fun times.
It was to Southampton next where the Saints are following Bournemouth down the table. West Ham meanwhile are now Payet-less but Algeria’s Steve Stone and Andy Carroll are around so positives. Claude Puel gave a debut to Manolo Gabbiadini who promptly showed that he was a better Italian striker than Simone Zaza.
Unfortunately for the Saints that was as good as it got. WhatsApp admin Pedro Obiang assisted Andy Carroll’s hot streak before scoring himself. It’s looking far more positive for the Hammers with Slaven Bilic slowly looking less like an alcoholic with each passing week.
Watford were up next with the Serie A import fest continuing with Mauro Zarate and M’Baye Niang ensuring Walter Mazzarri hits all of his quotas. Fortunately, though, we got some Serie A levels of outrage at Jeff Hendrick’s red card tackle from the Watford bench. We will just ignore Niang’s tackle too because the referee did. Niang would go on to be the difference maker in the end, scoring one and setting up the other as Burnley boss Onyx was understandably disappointed despite his side having chances to win.
We finished off at West Brom where Tony Pulis has been far more successful building a wall than Donald Trump. It would be tested by Stokealona whom had taken Saido Berahino off of Pulis’ hands much to Tactical Tony’s delight. Not that he had much love for Saido pre-match.
Neither did the Hawthorns in fairness when he came off the bench to offer Stoke absolutely nothing in place of dance savant Peter Crouch. It was a fairly even game but when you’re an expert in building teams to not concede, you can expect to grind out these kinds of wins. Pulis can probably expect a phone call from Trump soon.
AND GOOD NEWS EVERYONE! The Match of the Day annual is available to buy now!
What a time to be alive…