GOALKEEPER
Victor Valdes – Not only did he get away with pushing Dele in the face twice, but hey, let’s be honest he has got away with being a decent ‘keeper all his life. I mean my youngest daughter could have kept well for that Barcelona team.
DEFENDERS
Eric Dier – The most underrated player in the league. Yes, I said it. Plays midfield and defence in equal aplomb. Also, speaks two languages, is probably a great dancer, and has a lovely haircut now he got rid of the curtains.
Funes Mori – With the type of looks only a mother could love, the Argentinian has done Everton proud. Finally realised he can go for any mid-air challenge without the worry of any permanent facial damage. Also, he’s now playing ok.
Joleon Lescott – The guy has won more Premier League titles than Steven Gerrard, and even survived a spell at Villa, to somehow become David Moyes latest attempt to roll back the great days of Everton.
MIDFIELDERS
Jack Rodwell – After 6,345,865 games for Sunderland, the lad has finally won a game he has started. Who says going to Man City will ruin your career hey Jack?
Ross Barkley – We’ve all wanted to do it, celebrate a goal before its even hit the back of the net. The arrogance, the ego, arms aloft has all the other team can do is stand and stare. I tried it once in a Cubs game (yes Cubs). I Failed to see a rabbit hole near the penalty spot and to this day I walk with a slight limp of embarrassment.
Gylfi Sigurdsson – Dear Gylfi, if I can call you that, please, please, please, please, please, please, please come back to Spurs. This Moussa Sissoko guy is rubbish and I miss you xxx
Yaya Touré – Imagine going to work and just pressing the odd button, sleeping for a few hours then gently walking round. Once in a while the boss may ask you to call a customer to close a deal. But mostly you get away with little effort yet still manage a sweat. This is Yaya.
STRIKERS
Alvaro Negredo – Yes Lukaku got four. But this poor soul covered every single blade of grass. This is mostly due to the fact he had to come back for many corners to defend. Yet had the stamina to perform a ‘Andy Carroll’ without the ball going in. For this he deserves a bath.
Oumar Niasse – Everton fans must be sitting there going ‘Is this the same guy we let go?’ Composure would never be a word I would associate with the guy but BBC Sport used it to describe his finish.
Jermain Defoe – Dear Jermain, Please, please, please, please, please come back to Spurs. Janssen is rubbish, and we miss you x x x x