If you are expecting some kind of wit based around Manchester City taking Bournemouth apart last night, you will be sadly disappointed. As that opening line may have given away, this was written before the match and I didn’t fancy seeing the look on poor Eddie’s face as his boys got another hammering. Or, I am a premonition god and I got it bang on. Either way, not Jesus puns here this morning folks.
What I do have is some advice for Jermain Defoe. You should always listen to your mother, and if she wants to know when you are jacking it all in you should tell her. I mean, it’s fair to say that the rest of your teammates appear to have retired mid season, so why not you? The more eagle eyed of you will have noticed I forgot to mention Sunderland’s match with Southampton at the weekend. How remiss of me to miss such a great opportunity to give Moysey another prod with my boot whilst he is down there. I can imagine David’s final words before his team went out on to the turf. “Lads, beating Palace 4-0 will mean nothing if we don’t win this game today!” Poor Moysey. 4-0 to a Southampton side that I had suggested wouldn’t win another game before the League Cup Final. The sad thing is, they were all playing trying not to get injured or do anything that would deny themselves a day out at Wembley and they still bent Sunderland over and gave them one. Jack it in now Jermain lad, it will be worse in the Championship.
Tony Cottee, the former Leicester striker and now Sky pundit, has been watching his former team all season and has waited until now to release his damning verdict and plan for recovery. Leicester are not playing very well and Mahrez and Vardy should be dropped. I know, right? It beggars belief how TC never got the Hammers job, doesn’t it? Mind you, he might actually have a point as Claudio is now starting to wonder whether he has been to loyal to the players that did the unthinkable last season. I still reckon they’ll win the FA Cup and go down and there is nothing wrong with that at all.
Sadio Mane or, more correctly, his agent has denied that Mane didn’t join Spurs in the summer because they refused to pay him what he asked for. Daniel Levy being tight with money? No, can’t believe that for a second. I still believe that Poch had spiked Levy’s drink when convincing him to give him £30m to spend on Sissoko. Anyway, it makes perfect sense that Mane would go to Liverpool. Everyone wants to play with all their mates, don’t they? And Sadio was missing Dejan, Adam, Nathaniel etc etc. Plus Dusan wanted him to go to Merseyside to check it out for him as well.
Apparently, and I love a stat like this, Manchester United are unbeaten since the Premier League moved to the winter ball. Ha. That does actually sound like a reason Jose would give, or more likely an excuse he would give if they lost. Either way, United are going to have to stump up another £8m for Martial if he keeps playing so well. Maybe if that takes his final transfer fee above £50m that means Jose will finally rate him? According to social media, because that’s the only way to get to know the real Paul Pogba, the Frenchman even has a special handshake with his mother. Who the hell shakes hands with their Mum? At best it is a nervous, awkward kiss on the cheek and a silent prayer that they don’t ask how your love life is. Just me then?
Slaven Bilic has been fined for doing bad things to a pitch side microphone at the weekend. I think it was worth it just to hear the Match of the Day commentator go all hard man and tell Slav to “mind the kit!” Or what exactly, Mr Commentator? You’ll send Motty round to have a word, will you?
Arsenal have been accused of conning their fans over the true number of people turning up to games. Really? That’s all Arsenal have been doing to con their fans? Honestly.