Today’s Tales: Shock news that it rains in Manchester

Todays Tales

Hang on, don’t go dishing out that number seven jersey just yet. Sure, United need someone to truly honour the shirt that Best, Robson, Beckham, Ronaldo and, er, Memphis have worn over the years but the man most fans hope is next in line has denied that he is Old Trafford bound. And he has his reasons, oh yes he has. You can offer him all the money you want, but Antoine Griezmann is not for turning. You can even let him take penalties, though we wouldn’t recommend it. No, Antoine is not planning to swap Madrid to Manchester for the following reason. He doesn’t fancy the weather. Actually, he probably has a point.

Jesus appears to have started lent early this year and it doesn’t look like he will reappear by Easter Sunday. Gabriel Jesus has broken his metatarsals and everyone is distraught. Well, everyone other than Sergio Aguero who smiled for the first time in ages. In his four games for City the young Brazilian has fitted in more drama, excitement and heartache than some players manage in an entire season.

Teddy Sheringham had a slightly better playing career than he did management career and I am not too sure whether his next bit of advice for Leicester was with his playing hat on or his slightly less successful management cap. I’ll let you decide. Ted thinks that the Leicester squad should all get out for a few beers, get their problems out in the open and settle it with a fight, if needed. I can feel the hipster horror from here, but I reckon he has a point. Leicester looked like a Sunday League pub side come very, very good last season so maybe they should sort it all out like a Sunday League pub side. Maybe Vardy should have a proper go at Mahrez for being totally unable to pass to each other and maybe Schmeichel should do what he is dying to do and punch Morgan and Huth for being slow and, well, a bit crap. This is a great idea, but I do have a picture in my mind of a slightly drunk Danny Drinkwater sitting on his own crying into his pint saying, “I Kante believe he left me. I loved him, he made who I am and now I am nothing!” Well Danny lad, you are not wrong there.

In shock medical news, footballers run the risk of dementia from heading the ball. That might explain why so many of them forget who their wife/girlfriend/boyfriend is, right? All joking aside, isn’t it a bit late to announce this? I’m no superstar, but even the balls we use in our midweek kickaround are the weight of a feather compared to what I had to punt aimlessly up the field to the quick lad up front when I was nine. Having seen the likes of Razor Ruddock, Terry Butcher and Garth Crooks on TV, I would suggest that they might have headed one too many balls in their time. I cannot see David Luiz suffering in years to come. Mind you, that hair and the weight of the current ball? He probably cannot even feel it.