Another Saturday has passed and that means we have plenty of ammunition with which to Pan the Pundits. And in top news for PtP, Martin Keown was in town for plenty of rubbish to be spouted. Danny Murphy was also around to ensure that some form of sense would be made throughout the show.
Gary sent us to Anfield where permanently in crisis Arsenal took on Jurgen Klopp’s Liverpool. The talk surrounding Arsene Wenger’s job continues to intensify with each passing day as fans seem set to put the sword into their legendary boss. I mean, it’s not like he’s been there for two decades and changed the club immeasurably. He has? Well then…
Meanwhile in Liverpool’s world, everything that could go wrong is going wrong. Defeats to lesser sides such as Wolves, Swansea and champions Leicester have meant Klopp is attempting to defend his position from a little criticism. Strangely, he’s opted to declare he’s “not a clown”. Jurgen Clownpp it is then.
Unfortunately for Arsenal fans the only clowns in this one were the players for a pedestrian performance. Of course, the punchline to this would have been Danny Welbeck actually playing a game but he scored so I’m left searching for one. Thankfully, Alexis Sanchez’s constant tantrums at life right now are enough of a punchline for this one. Liverpool were excellent, once again annoying Raymond Verheijen.
Martin Keown’s analysis was almost as comical as Arsenal’s defending. Apparently, this was a lack of spirit and no “fire in their belly”. Obviously, he hasn’t seen that 8-2 at Old Trafford.
It was to Swansea next where Onyx’s Burnley were the visitors with their atrocious away record. That was good news for Paul Clement who is slowly getting over the fact that he was sacked by Derby. Have I mentioned he was sacked by Derby? I should mention he was sacked by Derby more. Burnley were Heaton-less for this one with sworn enemy of bobbles Paul Robinson between the sticks.
Well, that was entertaining. Swansea bullied the woodwork, Andre Gray managed to score two without offending anybody four years ago on Twitter and Anthony Taylor managed to forget that Swansea don’t play in claret and blue. Swansea were the victors in the end with the height of Fernando Llorente paying off.
We got a Lineker special too. Nothing beats Gary’s awkward interviews with the TV screen and Paul “I was once sacked by Derby” Clement was the victim this time. Highlights include the incredible revelation that hard work is used in football.
It was Leicester next with this their first appearance on PtP since the sacking of Claudio. It was a story of betrayal and heartbreak with Shakespeare stepping into the breach. He was taking on the foreign guy and Hull who are possibly the best team in the league right now, even with Oumar Niasse up front.
So, Shakespeare? It seems that he’s got the players onside with even party boy Jamie Vardy looking like a competent footballer again. I haven’t decided if the upturn of Leicester is indicative of the brilliance of Shakespeare or just how terrible the players’ attitudes have been all season. Danny highlighted just how Leicester have managed to improve in the last week while Martin was on hand to make another idiotic point. Just why wouldn’t Shakespeare want to take a chance and be the head man at a club?
We were sent to the United Nations next where Southampton were the visitors. Watford started with just 82 nationalities this week while Southampton were looking to bounce back from losing the League Cup final. I say bounce back, there are worse things to lose.
Ooh er, this Saturday was incredible. What a game this was. The Deeney brothers, Troy and Manologabbia, got on the scoresheet, Heurelho Gomes rolled back the years to gift Southampton a goal and there was some lovely football on show. Walter Mazzarri’s translator was the real star of the show – he managed to translate Mazzarri’s interview in real time telepathically. Watch the footage. His lips don’t even move.
Oh great, the elephant in the room. It was time for the trip to the Theatre of Silence where the now most successful team in the country take on Bournemouth. This game was called off last season due to a bomb scare. Fortunately, Sergio Romero was only on the bench.
Ah Zlatan. If only the big Swede spent more time concentrating on actually firing United to something more meaningful than trying to prove he’s a bit hard then he might not face as much criticism from time to time. This being United though, a highlight package isn’t complete without a decent dose of complaining. Bournemouth defended well enough with ten men and got a good point.
WE GOT A TRIP TO THE WALL! Tactics Tony was really up for this one against his old club Crystal Palace. You know that means too. It’s the clash of the titans, a battle for the ages. The battle of the two finest players in the league – James Tomkins vs Salomon Rondon. Oh, and it’s Tony against Big Sam and his pints of wine.
Get out your violins, play the sad music and find your crying emojis to truly show your emotions – The Wall was breached. Tony’s Tactics (patent pending) were not enough this time as Big Sam’s motivation of offering kebabs and pints of wine. This was a game full of “real men” according to Keown, a notion I’d love to hear him explain.
We finished off at Stoke where Peter Crouch is still leading the line. They were playing Middles… no, no, no, no, no. Please not again. Why can’t they play on a Sunday? They even started Rudy Gestede. Do they want to get relegated?
Synopsis of the game – Stoke won, the World’s Most Boring Team had a shot and I wondered if I could make this longer than two lines on my Word document. I couldn’t.
So what have we learned this week on PTP? Well, Martin Keown is either stupid or trying to be deliberately controversial, The Wall has been breached, Jurgen Clownpp may be a permanent thing and I really, really, really dislike Middlesbrough. Sorry Boro fans.