So as Chelski run away with the title after another defiant display at the Hammers and Conte follows on with the Italian Job from Claudio in thinking ‘dis Premier League sheet isa dead easy’, the rest of the chasing pack of five now need to divvy up the three remaining Champions League berths. There’s no way in hell anyone will catch the Abramoboys (says he hoping that this is the commentator’s curse) because quite frankly none of the chasing pack looks anywhere near consistent enough to mount a viable challenge, while as the Blues on the contrary look pretty much invincible.
Even as I looked up their remaining fixtures (and with the greatest respect to the rest of their forthcoming opponents) I couldn’t even envisage an unlikely derailment due to a dodgy loss vs GBH FC away in the Cup, affecting their run in. Moreover, if they did have a dip in form a trip to the theatre of screams in the league where the overrated one will just park the bus and a visit from Pep’s mob appear to be the only tricky fixtures. Chelsea are utterly ruthless at putting away (no apologies required because all of them are pony unless they are playing Zlatan & Friends or LFC) the lesser sides and they have a handful of them over the run in.
Stoke aren’t really progressing this season and are likely to leak more goals as Sparky just goes for all-out attack. Palace who are on the cusp of an annoying Sham Allardyce revival will sadly see Palace lollop their way to safety like a festering mange ridden pigeon somehow evading the accelerating juggernaut that is relegation. However, Scam likes to focus on nicking points in games where they can play their ‘percentages’. Away at the Chavs will not be one of them. Bournemouth are in a shocking vein of form and shipping goals like Russia is flooding steel into the US.
Southampton has just about crawled out of intensive care under Claude the Magnificent. Mid-table would be a great result given the start to the season they had. I can’t see them wasting too much energy at the Bridge, that’s if they have any left at all. Everton away might provide a bit of challenge but by then Lukaku will have scored all the goal he needs for a Summer move away and will tweak a hammy in the run up to the game as he won’t want to look bang average with the world looking on. What might be of more interest is the battle between Costa and Williams. I don’t mean a footballing related battle either. Aitor Karanka is doing his best to emulate the boring one and is succeeding spectacularly and I suspect given his ruthless nature Conte will want to put him to the sword simply for being moody boys’ protégé. Pulis’s record against Chelsea with the miserable one in charge was pretty bloody good, but Conte ain’t Jose and by the time they meet the morbidly obese woman will have ordered a triple rack of ribs and will be soothing her vocal cords with a flagon of ale. And if Conte could have picked the last game of the season he would have chosen Sunderland led (not sure if that’s the right word) by the ginger whinger, are already confirmed as being relegated to the Championship and are so bad that without Defoe they are already worrying more about a second successive descent into league One than a resurgent bounce back into the EPL. The only thing that might make things worse is if Merse, Thommo and Giggs get the nod to see out the last few fixtures once Moyes has been offloaded.
So who are favourites to grab the remaining ECL spots?
Spurs will have the unenviable reputation for gassing at the wrong time. Dele also has the ability to go, Kung Fu, just when Spurs are on the brink of glory. Equally, Harry ‘FIGJAM’ Kane will at some point trip over his own ego, fall on a humble pie and perhaps a bad patch of form. Then it’ll be down to whether Mopo can get a turn out of the likes of Janssen, Lamela and Son.
With the overrated one in charge, Wazza crying like a bitch for some game time (bet lifting that cup felt really good eh?) and the Swedish Sociopath heading for a lengthy ban (at long last), the Club formerly known as MUFC are making about as many friends as Negan and impressing even less on the pitch with their moronically boring brand of Jose inspired vanilla flavoured shyte. The wheels are surely about to fall off and without the talented nutjob, it will require a monumental effort from the downtrodden true talents such as Rashford. Also, they have a nightmare run in with fixtures against Citeh, Chavs, Swans, Spurs and the Gooners and the additional focus required on Europa League, which may prove to be their best chance of securing ECL football next year. If they were to fall short and miss out on both routes into the ECL all eyes will be on Jose, it couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.
To the uninitiated, Liverpool have by far the easiest run in, however unless they are playing a rival in the top 6 they are borderline useless, so with only one of those fixtures remaining Klopp may be begging for another go next year after a summer of spending on Europa league players. But if Mr Jeckyll replaces Mr Hyde the Reds have the ability to go on a rampant run and could secure and spot and then Klopp might have something to play with come the silly season. Who am I kidding?
It appears that MCFC has recovered some of the form that saw them claim the league after eight games at the start of the season. They have a tricky triple whammy with Liverpool, Arsenal and Chelsea in a tightly congested period for the club. But short of getting smashed up and dropping more than 5 points Pep should see them over the line.
And finally, it has been confirmed that Wenger is staying on at Arsenal purely to drive Piers Morgan apoplectic with rage, which is, of course, an admirable raison d’etre as then he will then understand how the rest of us feel about him. Wenger as part of his ongoing duel with the aforementioned object of hate also dropped his talisman in Sanchez against LFC at the weekend and paid the price as they got gubbed with little to no final product on offer until the Chilean was added to the fray in the second half. This was again the perfect catalyst for an aneurysm. It has also been confirmed that Alexis will most likely be on his way this summer for a snip of the real value he adds to a team. PSG are said to be interested but a trip to Stamford Bridge would surely finish Piers off? That’s is if back to back 5-1 capitulations in the ECL hasn’t realised the need for a defibrillator this evening. Mind you a yearlong contract extension might just be the tonic we’re all after………?