Hagon Hammers

Oh, how the mighty have fallen, that’s if you regard Everton’s reign under Moyes as a pinnacle of consummation in our domestic game? It’s probably fair to say Everton were a model of consistency if nothing else at least after the first five seasons in charge which saw the Toffee’s yo-yo up and down like a trader on crystal meth, 15th 7th 17th 4th and 11th placed finishes were then followed by a quite spectacular series of top 8 placings, on average finishing 6th over a seven-year stretch. But spectacular only in its ordinariness. So why on earth Sir Alex Ferguson even had him as the sixth choice I’ll never know. Anyhow the rest is history and the club never got behind SAF’s replacement. To the point that Sir Alex had to beg the Old Trafford faithful to get behind the new man. The writing was on the wall and it wasn’t a Banksy.

It was never going to work for Moyes or for anyone else that matter. A period of recalibration was required before the Lazy One was to take his seat at the table. It just happened to be that a lack of determination, planning, tactical awareness and limp transfer dealings (Fellaini, I mean come on) blended with a medium sized club mentality was thrust upon the club, by the club. Moyes was told he was the next manager at United. There wasn’t an option for him because he didn’t have the cojones to say ‘no thanks I’ll pass’. Even the great LVG was rendered nigh on useless come his “enjoy the wine and mince pie” moment, furthermore if things don’t buck up for the Grey One his coronation might convert to a dethroning too. But things went from bad to cataclysmic when Moyes decided to let the dust settle a brief while before jumping into the Real Sociedad role and taking on the unfamiliar task of keeping a side in the league. However, 364 days later and having failed to learn the language (smooth) he was given his marching orders as Real found itself languishing towards the foot of the table after a weak set of results at the start of his first full season in charge at the club.

In typically self-pitying and underplaying Moyesesque fashion (which also drove United fans berserk) Moyes betrayed the ambitions of the club, which if you now roll this forward his replacement Eusebio has the club fighting for a European berth.

If that wasn’t bad enough he then replaced Big Sham at Sunderland and appears to have taken them into the Championship at the first time of asking but has added some real class to proceedings in deciding to throw in some verbal threats at a BBC Journalist for good measure. Enough has been written about the incident itself so my question is why hasn’t he been sacked? In any other job in any other walk of life, you’re going to get fired for gross misconduct for that type of behaviour. But Sunderland as yet have done sod all about it. Surely this was their chance to get rid and at the same time demonstrate that the club doesn’t tolerate abuse of any nature?….. Ellis Short and Martin Bain must have other ideas then? Can’t wait to hear them. In an equally spineless turn of events, the FA have also bowed to a request to give Moyes more time to explain himself. Really? So, given the disgraceful behaviour off the pitch and the crimes against football on it, it saddens me greatly to hear the news that Bob Lewin who was Kit Manager at Gillingham has been sacked for forgetting the team shirts to an away match at MK Dons. Perspective people!

In an attempt to move away from the Ginger whinger and onto loosely termed footballing matters Lee Cattermole has returned to the side after a long injury lay-off to exclaim that the club needs to put up more fight, and what with a home fixture versus United and an assortment of sociopaths led by Rojo & Ibrahimovic he has a good chance of a tear up if he really wants one. There’s no silver lining for Moyes as news also broke earlier in the week that Rooney is unlikely to travel either. United themselves are probably delighted to be travelling away to Sunderland and a beleaguered Moyes as it has been spotted that United’s twenty match unbeaten home run at the Theatre of Screams has been the most unproductive unbeaten run (in terms of points accrued) since the ark was floated. The Miserable One really is turning on the treats for the Stretford end as well as turning on his own players. Not one to shy away from his own brilliance while attempting to coach the flair and quality out of his talented players (See Hazard et al) The Grey One has taken to verbally humiliating his own playing staff. Poor Luke Shaw, according to the 5th best coach in the country Luke was using his own body but Jose’s brain as he came on to deliver the assist that won the penalty that earnt United a lucky draw against Everton. Perhaps he has been offering other parts of his body to the rest of the squad? And with the exception of the Sweedish Sociopath, we can only assume he has been donating his testes to the rest of the shower given the amount of bollox on show thus far this season.

Perhaps this is the reason why most hot targets are not exactly blazing a path to Old Trafford currently. On the contrary, since the Grey One has arrived the cash has been wafted about and most persons of interest have been beating a hasty retreat in all directions away from Manchester. The latest addition to this list is Mr Griezmann who is stalling like a Porsche pulling away in 4th gear, to see whether United ‘make the Champions League’. According to sources close to the club, United are working on Lewandowski as a backup target but I can confirm that the only Lewandowski interested in joining this sham is Mutti Lewandowski who has offered to sell old school Kabanos Baps outside the ground. We suspect this has driven Ed Woodward to sign someone so he has given Jessie Lingard a 5-year deal worth £100k a week. The mind boggles, and at what point does someone get detained for psychological assessment if it isn’t for offering that amount of money to someone who hasn’t achieved anything other than a goal last week?

Speaking of lunacy former United Full Back Fabio currently running around like a headless chicken at Middlesbrough will face a spell on the sidelines after it was confirmed he suffered a concussion in the game against Swansea City. Doesn’t concussion imply that you have a brain though?…..

On the other side of Manchester Pep has come out to declare that Conte is the best coach in the world and he has much to learn from him. And rather than regarding this as a clever mind game most agree this is the only thing he’s got right this season, with the exception of Jesus of course. Amen

Elsewhere Shkodran Mustafi proposes that he and his colleagues close their ears as to the speculation surrounding Wenger’s future. We all know he is signing a two-year extension just to send Piers into apoplectic rage followed by a coronary and unless they all want to be playing Europa League next year it might be a better idea for the Gooners to focus on opening their eyes before they close their ears.

Equally, if anyone finds a spine near the Emirates can they please return it to Theo Walcott as he was the senior player on the pitch (hells teeth never thought I’d say that) and should have been declared Captain after Koscielny was substituted at half-time, ensuring Arsenal didn’t fall foul of Premier League rule M11.

Finally, the FA have confirmed they won’t be punishing Costa for his kick out at Kompany not because Mike Dean saw and dealt with the incident on the pitch but because Costa doesn’t give a damn about any punishment retrospective or otherwise and will continue his malevolent approach to injuring his fellow professional come what may.