Pan the Pundits

It’s all getting a little bit exciting at the top of the Premier League. And by exciting, I mean it was awfully nice of Chelsea to lose a game last week. Still, Gary was joined by the League Cup-tier duo of Jermaine Jenas and Phillip Neville (because Phil is too northern I imagine).

We started at White Hart Lane where Tottenham have, rather rudely, decided to pretend they might have a shot at winning the league this year. Silly gooses. They were hosting the United Nations who, despite having 153 different nationalities on their books, seem to have run out of centre backs. Adrian Mariappa got a game but it was only Vincent Janssen up front so no worries there.

Poor UN. They were battered with Spurs’ grand deception of a title challenge continuing on. Son scored a lovely brace, Dele Alli gave EA Sports a new celebration to capture for their game but, in doing so, opened up a new punchline for me. He’s Diet Pogba. Although, does that mean that Jesse Lingard is Pogba Zero? Absolutely not.

It seems the League Cup duo are much like the League Cup – surprisingly interesting. They picked out Kieran Trippier’s performance as something to note and gave you reasons why. Clear and well explained. Ten on ten.

Time for the Terminators! Chels-bots were fuming after last week’s embarrassment at the hands of maybe the worst £30 million striker in the Premier League, but they were gifted a victory thanks to the Janssen-esque finishing of John Stones in midweek. They were visiting Bournemouth, who are in mid-table. I’m supposed to say something funny about that. I can’t.

Chels-bots strike again. It was a little lucky to start with but eventually, the bots did their thing and won easily in the end. Diego Costa perfectly put one on the head of Adam Smith, Eden Hazard strolled past the entire Bournemouth defence and Marcos Alonso continued to make people forget he once played for Bolton with a beautiful free-kick. Josh King got on the scoresheet too, further justifying the clamour for a call-up for Eng… he’s Norwegian? Well, then.

It was Stoke next where I was shocked to learn this week that it is no longer called the Brittania Stadium. Instead, we travelled to the Bet365… nope, not doing it. It’s now the NotBrittania Stadium. Anyway, Liverpool were the visitors to the NotBrittania with an injury list conveniently piling up. Coutinho had lost 3kg pre-game meaning he now weighed exactly 4.5 grams and Firmino was a bit tight and tired. All those naughty Instagram pics of his wife’s lady garden have really tuckered the poor soul out.

Well, Liverpool did it the hard way but they got it done. Jon Walters once again showed up, reminding everyone he’s still alive before microscopic Coutinho and rude Firmino got the goals to give Liverpool the win. Special mention to Simon Mignolet for stopping Saido Berahino ending his goal drought of 26 years with a pretty special save.

Manchester next, where draw specialists City were hoping that they might get something out of a pretty tough home game against my second favourite team Hull. Pep wasn’t taking the game seriously though as he gave Snakey Delph a start in what was clearly their toughest test. The foreign boy opted for his in-form striker Andrea Ranocchia but, as some Twitter analysts would say, used him as a false medicentro 4 staccato. That’s a centre back for anyone that speaks human.

This was strange. This might be the first game I’ve ever seen where each home goal was greeted by polite applause. I know the Masters was on at the weekend but that’s Augusta, not the Etihad. Still, City won thanks to Delph, Aguero and Elmo from Sesame Street. Elmo loves his goldfish and own goals too. At least we got the obligatory Claudio Bravo error. Bravo, Claudio!

It was West Ham next who are terrible, and somehow still far enough away from the relegation zone to play this poorly. They hosted Swansea who are starting to show that Paul Clement was sacked by Derby.

Those Hammers. Just when you think they’re about to get into some trouble, they beat Swansea, ruin your accumulator and force you to try and get Cheikou Kouyate to give you the £100 or so he cost you. Cheikou, if you’re reading this, I want my money!

The Wall next and Southampton were the visitors in a game that sounded so very interesting. Poor Tactics Tony is seeing his Wall become leakier and leakier as the weeks progress, although that draw at Old Trafford certainly did help things. Southampton are 9th in the table and in your heart too.

Exciting titbit – Chris Kavanagh refereed his first ever Premier League game in this one. That was the real highlight of this. Jordy Clasie scored his first goal for the Saints and they won. Tony was sad.

NO! NO! NO! NO! Absolutely not! Middlesbrough were last on as they hosted Burnley, and my sanity dictated that I go nowhere near it. So, as I’m writing this from my padded cell, let me recap this.

It finished 0-0.

So, let’s round up. Spurs are pretending, the UN has no centre backs, Coutinho is microscopic, I hate Middlesbrough and, damn it Cheikou, I WANT MY MONEY!