Pan the Pundits

Who’s that with a late run into the seat? It’s only the second best midfielder of England’s Golden Generation Frank Lampard. Frank was making his debut on MOTD next to the always inane Alan Shearer, probably still salty that he was never quite as good as Stevie.

Opening up this week were Spurs, who are still rudely pretending to be challenging for the title. They were entertaining Bournemouth, who themselves haven’t quite decided if they’re going to sit quietly in mid-table or toy with the bottom feeders for funsies. Mauricio decided, because of this, he was going to rock them with his Harry Kane. I hate myself.

It’s getting a little mean now. Spurs really need to stop this, they’re overdue their classic capitulation. I mean, even Vincent Janssen scored from open play which is pretty much bullying. Although considering it is Janssen scoring then it is probably deserved bullying for Bournemouth. Also, can we talk about Kane and Son’s handshake? It’s atrocious. When did a simple high-five become passé?

So, Franky Lamps on analysis. In truth, much like Lampard’s playing career, it was well executed and clinical but delivered by the world’s beigest man. Big Al? He pointed out everything that you just saw.

It was off to Southampton next, where the hosts were not really playing for anything. Serious question – has anyone seen a Southampton game recently that wasn’t forced? Anyway, they were hosting Manchester City, who haven’t really been challenged in fourth. Then again, when your main challengers are United and Arsenal, I wouldn’t worry too much either. Troy Deeney’s brother was back for Southampton while Vincent Kompany actually left the physio’s room for once.

That City lot are fairly decent at football. That second goal was filthy, such a clinical and rapid counter attack. Jesus Navas has even found somewhat of a calling as being better than Bacary Sagna. Southampton were anonymous, something they’ve mastered this season.

Excellent! The foreign guy’s ragtag bunch of transfers were next as they travelled to the NotBritannia Stadium to take on Stoke. Hull are still battling it out to stay up, with the hopes of the four people that actually choose to support Hull praying they can do it. Stoke are still floating around somewhere meaningless in mid-table, but they have finally found Xherdan Shaqiri down the back of the sofa.

My favourite part of this game was that, as good as Shaqiri and Arnautovic are when they want to be, Stoke still need Crouch and Walters to get the job done. Hull were fair game for much of this contest, but nothing stops Crouch and Walters. Apart from most defences. Saido Berahino goal drought update – 84 years.

It was time for ex-Derby boss Paul Clement and his Swansea side, who were travelling to the United Nations in an attempt to prove Paul isn’t defined totally by his sacking at Derby. Walter Mazzarri opted for just the 33 nationalities in his starting line-up this time out.

Oh Swansea. It seems they’re beginning to prepare for their mid-table finish in the Championship next year with a performance like that. I’m most looking forward to Gary Rowett giving out about how disappointed he is in his boys after their home defeat to Bolton. The UN seem to be safe now thanks to the goal scoring exploits of Spurs legend Etienne Capoue.

Goodison Park was the next destination, where Everton finally went whole hog and banned The S*n from the club. I’d ban The S*n from the world for even allowing Kelvin Mackenzie a public forum. I would call him an a***hole but, as my father always said, “at least a***holes are useful”. They were entertaining Onyx’s Burnley, who are useless away from home. You’d think by mentioning that, they’d won this one.

You’re an idiot. Of course Burnley lost. Joel Robles tried his best to mess it up though. Maybe Ronald Koeman should worry less about trying to make Everton seem like an important club to big Romelu, and instead take a look at the absolute clown he has between the sticks. Still, Lukaku helped Everton to another win, with Phil Jagielka even busting out a cartwheel after scoring. Judges only gave it a 3.5 though.

CUE MONTAGE! Crystal Palace got a lovely little montage because they beat Arsenal on Monday. It was nice. Big Sam hosted Shakespeare who was still recovering from his trip destroying Madrid. Actually, that was the Leicester fans. Moving on…

Well that was a fun little draw. Leicester scored a couple of Leicester goals (a set piece and Ibiza’s lost club rep Jamie Vardy) before Palace scored a couple of goals of their own. Even Christian Benteke got in on the act. Seems Big Sam isn’t going down after all.

We finished this week at Sunderland who are frankly terrible. Moyesy’s Party Bus is falling apart at the seams, it’s hurtling towards the edge of the cliff with no breaks and Jermain Defoe’s agent might just have found the fire exit. They were hosting West Ham who are more hot and cold than Katy Perry circa 2008.

Can we just relegate West Ham for this? I mean, where do I start? First off, Khazri scored straight from a corner because Victor Anichebe’s bum is stronger and has such a gravitational pull that Darren Randolph couldn’t escape it. Secondly, is Darren Randolph the worst keeper in the league? Yes. Still, Sunderland tried and came back twice to draw. They’re still crap. But at least they tried.

In short – Spurs are bullies, Sunderland tried, Phil Jagielka doesn’t have a career in gymnastics and Victor Anichebe’s bum has gravitational pull. Who ever said PtP was normal?