This week, the big hitters were playing poker at a separate table while the others continued to play strip poker, where three losers would have to lose their clothes and perform a sensual dance for the rest. At the moment, those three appear to Moyes, Agnew and Clement. Now that I’ve tricked you into imagining David Moyes slowly taking off his pants while wiggling his posterior, let’s find out if anyone else had it worse than you. But first…
Arsene Wenger and Arsenal: After the assorted tomfoolery involving Wengerendum, the Arsenal manager had the last chuckle as his side, powered solely by mental strength and the determination to reduce AFTV’s traffic, reached yet another FA Cup final. Time now to announce the two-year contract extension for Wenger? The fans will love it.
Antonio Conte and Chelsea: By putting two of his best players on the bench, Conte rolled out the red carpet for Spurs, then pulled it out from under their feet. As Poch & Co. went tumbling out of the FA Cup, their sadness was only matched by DVD publishers who’ve just had one of their biggest orders cancelled.
Willian: You went out on a date but after dinner, she went home with someone else. The next day, she comes to your house and kicks you in the crotch.
Manchester United: It is a testament to Mourinho’s management that a team with their budget and class of players are just one point away from the Champions League spots at this stage of the season. If they do qualify for the Champions League, it would be a feat almost as huge as Leicester City’s title win.
Wayne Rooney: We all thought poor Wazza had been sent to live on the farm but here he was, turning back the clock to a time when he was somewhat useful. Zlatan who?
Monaco: That’s another £8.5m payment coming their way thanks to a goal scored by a player who has been starved of playing time this season. Remind me to use the services of these fine gentlemen to draft the royalty agreement for my first book.
Crystal Palace: Have they poured cold water over Liverpool’s ambitions yet again? Now up to 12th in the table, Big Sam has certainly put all his weight into dragging Palace away from danger. I know, the weight jokes are more tired than Big Sam on a treadmill, but that’s all I have, okay?
Christian Benteke: A born-again Christian at Christ… err, Crystal Palace, Benteke toyed with his former team before chucking them out of his pram and possibly out of the race for top-four.
Hull City and Swansea City: Still alive, but if they mirror each other’s results from now till the end of the season, Swansea are set to sink.
Tottenham Hotspur: Is there anything more Spursy than building up expectations before bottling it spectacularly on the big stage?
Viewers of Arsenal Fan TV: Disappointment all around YouTube as the central characters in this soap opera will be happier and smugger than we’ve ever seen them, having reached the final and seen Spurs crash out. That’s just not good TV. Bring back the swearing and the incoherent rambling!
Pep Guardiola: Show of hands, who thought Manchester City would be out of all cup competitions and be struggling to qualify for Europe at this point? If you raised your hand, you’re either stuck in the 2009-10 season or you’re a big, fat liar.
Robert ‘Bobby’ Madley: Did you see that ludicrous display last night? What was Madley thinking, sending Niasse off that early? The thing about referees is, they always try to walk it into their own net. I, for one, can’t wait for video technology to sort out this mess.
Middlesbrough: Well, at least it wasn’t boring. In typical Boro fashion, they’ve now managed to mess up the only functioning part of their team – their defence. Some teams go down all guns blazing; Boro are going down with the rifle pointed at their one functioning foot and asking everyone to take turns shooting at it.
Marko Astronaut-ovic: Or Marko Arnautovic, as he was popularly known before he dispatched a penalty straight into the stratosphere and offered Swansea a glimmer of hope in their battle for survival.
That 0-0 Draw: In the eloquent words of Mr. T; I pity the fool who decided to watch the bore-fest between West Ham United and Everton. Suckers.
Jurgen Klopp: That wasn’t heavy metal football, Jurgen. Liverpool resembled a garage band whose lead singer forgot the lines midway through the song, the guitarist broke a string and the drummer lost one of his sticks.
Is There A Fire Drill? Spurs supporters streamed out of Wembley en masse around the 80th minute, as TV cameras captured the full scale of the evacuation. But after a while, they were back defending their own and claiming the moral victory for being ‘the better team’….on Twitter.
Gaston Ramirez: For a moment, time stood still. Ramirez felt he could make something for himself as he sent his body into free-fall and we all saw the entire thing unfold in slow-motion, even though it was happening in real-time. He deservedly got booked, then got a second yellow soon after, purely to escape the embarrassment of his ‘dive’. 1/10.
T-Shirts: Manchester United exhibited their awareness of current events and understanding of the public mood by wearing t-shirts bearing the name of two of their own players who got injured last week. R.I.P. Ugo.