Who doesn’t love midweek football? We certainly do, because it gives us another opportunity to poke holes into the bubble of seriousness encapsulating modern football. Let’s go!
Tottenham Hotspur: Like a particularly persistent pooch who’s got a sniff of the treats in your pocket, Spurs have been tailing Chelsea despite the best efforts of the Blues to shake them off. The final five matches will determine if the canine goes home hungry or grinning from ear to ear.
Chelsea: They are in a strange position now. Win the league from here and people will say it was a foregone conclusion anyway. Lose, and it will be the bottle-job of the century. More than the embarrassment of possibly blowing the title, it must be the boot of Antonio Conte haunting the players’ dreams. The Italian’s fury certainly makes Tony Adams’ “kick up the arse” feel like a gentle massage by comparison.
Middlesbrough: Yay for Boro, who got their first win of 2017 by beating the one team who are in deeper doo-doo than they are.
Arsene Wenger: He’s got them winning again, which may or may not sit well with some of their fans. How long before a section of their support starts clamouring for Wenger to ‘sign da ting’?
Sunderland: Added another feather to their cap of crap by losing to the lowest-scoring team in the top flight.
David Moyes: Slapped with an FA charge for threatening to…err, slap a female reporter. The combined mismanagerial might of Ricky Sbragia, Paolo Di Canio and Gus Poyet couldn’t do what Moyes has mismanaged in one season.
Wayne Hennessey: At the time of writing, Lil Wayne was still on his way down, diving heroically to save Eriksen’s goal-bound effort. He just might get there by the time you finish reading the collected works of Hemingway.
Claudio Bravo: When your debut campaign has gone as well as Bravo’s has, you just want the season to end. As fate would have it, Bravo’s season has possibly ended with him getting injured claiming a standard cross in his own box. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t like using his hands so much.
The Hype: The only time I found myself enjoying the Manchester Derby was when the massive tree snapped and head-butted poor Sergio. And when Jesus clattered into England’s saviour, allowing me to crowbar it into this painful pun.
Sergio Aguero: I’ve run into a tree more than once and I know how much it hurts. Take some Aspirin for that headache, Sergio.
Marouane Fellaini: Literally a few seconds had elapsed when Fellaini decided to upgrade his yellow card to a straight red. I’d love to be a fly on the wall when Mourinho gets the answer to his question – “What happened?”.
Alexis Sanchez’ Lip ‘Injury’: A clever ploy by the wantaway Sanchez to earn the wrath of the Arsenal support, who value class above everything else. Feigning injury from an opponent’s throw-in? Not classy.
Joey Barton: The part-time footballer, Freud’s rightful heir and massive [REDACTED] was banned from all football activities for 18 months, although we’re not sure it covers stubbing cigars in other footballers’ eyes. On the plus side, being forced into premature retirement should give him plenty of time to work on his dream venture – Bart365 Online Betting.
Newcastle United and West Ham United: Both clubs, run by bastions of sanity, righteousness and propriety, were raided in connection with tax fraud this week. Guess what they both have in common; the word ‘United’ in their names, of course. What did you think?