St. Totteringham’s day has been cancelled for the first time in more than two decades, and whilst we wait for a new tradition to be named, let’s see how the rest of the Premier League got on.
Chelsea and Spurs: Both teams emerged unscathed again, the gap still remains at four points and they both made light work of their opponents, which is all a bit boring. I continue to wait for a slip-up that may never arrive, seeing as there are only four more games left in the season. Time to buy a voodoo doll and some pins, just to make it interesting again.
Sunderland Fans: It’s the hope that kills you and Sunderland supporters were being bled to a slow, painful death every time their team took to the field. Having finally slipped through the relegation trapdoor, perhaps they can now relax and look forward to next season in the Championship while hoping David Moyes deems it below him to manage in the second division. There’s that word again – hope.
Middlesbrough: The floodgates have opened and the goals are flowing at The Riverside! Boro scored two goals for the first time in 764 games, although it wasn’t enough to grab all three points due to divine intervention. Speaking of which…
Jesus: No, not the son of God, although Manchester City fans do consider him to be their saviour. His second coming is going according to plan and he popped up with an equaliser to keep his team in the hunt for the Fourth Place Trophy.
Hull City and Eldin Jakupović: The ‘keeper’s penalty save kept Hull’s heads above the water and put Sunderland out of their misery. Killing two birds with one stone is what I call it.
Swansea City and Gylfi Sigurdsson: The other team with a fighting chance of survival would be disappointed with only a draw, but at least we got to see Sigurdsson playing Herrera like a fiddle before scoring another trademark free-kick. Poor Ander was last seen running sprints between the goalpost and the 18-yard line as punishment for not following Jose’s telepathically transmitted instructions.
Leicester City: Home and dry after a season in which they appeared to be in real danger of getting relegated after a title win. That Claudio really was holding them back, wasn’t he?
Burnley: One step closer to winning their fight against the drop so that they can stay in the Premier League and do it all over again next season.
Liverpool: They just might sneak into the Champions League simply by virtue of being the one-eyed man in the land of the blind.
Premature Celebrations: Barnes and his rowboat were called back to the shore after the referee disallowed his goal against Palace. This taught us that if you plan elaborate celebrations, at least wait for the referee’s confirmation before going all Britain’s Got Talent and looking like a part of the human anatomy.
Arsenal and Arsene Wenger: A loveless marriage where both parties seem to be staying together for the kids. But judging by their performance against Spurs, the kids don’t really seem to care what happens at home as long as they keep getting their allowance. Perhaps it is time to do the right thing and seek a divorce, if only to jolt the spoilt children out of their stupor.
Manchester: One team is on the most pointless unbeaten run in history and the other is picking up fewer points with each passing week. One of them might stumble into next season’s Champions League if Arsenal don’t get their act together.
Sunderland: The first team to be relegated from the Premier League this season. David Moyes was heard giving a pep-talk to his team after the game, saying, “Well, at least we won relegation. Right, lads? Lads?”
The Audience: A grand total of 15 goals were scored in the nine Premier League fixtures this weekend. Boro were responsible for two of them and there were two 0-0 draws. Exhilarating.
Marcus Rashford: When even proper football man and Englishness enthusiast Tim Sherwood agrees that it’s a dive, you’ve definitely lost your ‘Stays-On-His-Feet Honest English Footballer’ certificate. 5/10 for the dive, though.
Mourinho Mowing Down His Players: We’ve been here before, earlier in this season. But here we are again, as Jose trains his gun on his walking wounded.
Chris Smalling. BOOM.
Phil Jones. BANG.
Luke Shaw. RAT-A-TAT-A-TAT-A-TAT. CLICK.
Mourinho is apparently unhappy with the amount of time his players are taking to return from injuries. Jose is also unhappy at how easily they are getting injured. Jose wishes he could have the Black Knight from Monty Python on his team. Sadly for him, they just don’t make ’em like that anymore.