Todays Tales

Let’s start today by applauding Roy Keane. I can just imagine him sitting at home brooding at the state of the modern footballer. He is right, of course. Celebrating finishing top four? Hang your heads in shame United and Liverpool. What are you, Arsenal?

Mesut Ozil sums it all up completely. First, he kicks a door in anger after the Spurs match. Kicking something in anger, Mesut? This does not sound like you. Are you sure you didn’t majestically caress the door into the path of a hapless, yet much more hard-working colleague? Did your fanboys chalk this one up as an assist too? Of course, Mesut stood there admiring his door kick as his man peeled off him and scored another one for the opposition. I am picking on Ozil today, because there was report on some rag today that Mesut was talking about his goal against Ludgorets being “the best of my career, like a goal on PES”. Let’s stop right there, whilst real players like Roy Keane spin in their somewhat early grave. A meaningless goal against a small team from Bulgaria is your best ever goal? Really, Mesut? Even Thierry Henry is raising a quizzical eyebrow at that one, in a way only Thierry can. Can you actually imagine a player that gave a crap about winning things for his club putting that down as one of his finest goals? This isn’t Matt Le Tissier playing for Southampton where all he, and rightly so, can look back on was his collection of wondergoals. Ozil is playing for Arsenal, a side that should actually be winning things. So, to say THAT goal is his best tells me two things, (a) he is massively unambitious and (b) he obviously hasn’t done enough since arriving from Madrid. There you go Roy, I’ve said it all for you. Jesus. Sell him now, make it your parting gift to the club Arsene.

Of course, Arsene isn’t getting off scott free today. He nearly signed Mbappe, you know? Of course you did, Arsene. That is one hell of a side you nearly signed. In fact, it must be nearing two sides by now. When he finally goes, they should have a farewell match at the Emirates where two teams Arsene nearly signed play each other. I’d pay to watch that.

Slaven Bilic reportedly has two games to save his job. I’d give up now Slav, leave them right in the lurch. Lead the team out tomorrow night, then walk out of the stadium and never return. Mind you, the distance that the exit at the London Stadium must be from the pitch, considering how far the seats are from the pitch, it’d be half time by the time Slav had completed his swanning off routine. Seriously though Bilic, as soon as they find someone they think is better, you’re gone. Marco Silva his name is.

Huddersfield are in trouble for fielding a weakened team in their last match. Sunderland are absolutely shitting themselves at this news, as they could well be in line for 38 fines if the Terriers are found guilty.

Finally today, Gonzalo Higuain. We’ve all played Sunday football with the fat lad up top who still looks somewhat dishevelled from the previous evening’s activities, but then goes on to make fools of the opposition and score at least two. Credit to Gonzalo, he is flying the flag for every fat number nine in history, in a way that Micky Quinn did before him.