In a weekend featuring a number of dead rubbers, who has been grabbing the headlines enough to make the team of the weekend? If it was up to me, I’d just give it to eleven Newcastle players. But, alas, that will be next season’s tactic and for now, you’ll have to put up with my nonsense. I’ve gone for a “popular 10 years ago” 4-3-3 today.
Goalkeeper
Fraser Forster – Purely by coincidence our first pick is a product of Newcastle’s academy. Forster provided the only bit of quality in a truly awful match, saving James Milner’s penalty. It was a win for gamesmanship as Forster got up to a few shenanigans before the kick was taken, but a save is a save – it’s not like he moved the posts and made the goal smaller.
Defenders
Jeff Schlupp – Apparently, Jeff Schlupp has never played centre back in his life. Allardyce took the rather brave decision to change that away to Manchester City, and I am now certain that Schlupp has never played centre back in his life. Woeful.
Adam Smith – Bournemouth’s fullbacks are better going forwards than most clubs’ wingers. Maybe that is pushing it but after Charlie Daniels put Middlesbrough away recently, it was Adam Smith’s turn to come to the party laying on a pair of assists for his pals.
Billy Jones – Top trolling. Miss an easy headed chance against Burnley when the team was still fighting to stay up, power in a diving header now you’re relegated. What a silly Billy.
Kyle Walker – Spurs have been on TV a lot recently, and with every passing game I’ve asked myself “Is Kyle Walker drunk?” Then came a series of rumours – Kyle is unsettled, he may be leaving and amazingly, he was replaced by Kieran Tripper. For some reason, Walker was recalled on Friday night and he was dreadful. Good luck at Man City, the home of dreadful full backs.
Midfielders
Harry Arter – How did you get away with that Harry? What a horrendous tackle that was, and I’ve no doubt he complained about it being a yellow card. Because that’s all he seems to do, run around the pitch kicking people and complaining about it.
Granit Xhaka – A rare good day for Arsenal against Mourinho and this chancer had the nerve to score. It took a massive deflection but Xhaka celebrated like it was all down to him. Good lad.
Marc Albrighton – Leicester went from defending a corner to Albrighton stroking the third goal home in THIRTEEN SECONDS. That is rapid. Why couldn’t they do that for Ranieri this season? I’ve put Albrighton in because he made up considerable ground for no other reason than the love of scoring a goal in a meaningless match that was already won. We love that desire.
Forwards
Lys Mousset – On your first Premier League start, you dream of scoring a goal. Unfortunately for the young Frenchman, this was an own goal. Hopefully, he puts one in at the right end before long – nobody wants to have more own goals than actual goals.
Jermain Defoe – Short of putting the flag up and giving himself offside, Defoe couldn’t have looked any guiltier bundling home Sunderland’s second goal at Hull. At no point in the move was he actually onside, so it was with as much disbelief as it was delight for Defoe when the flag stayed down and he ended his mini-drought.
Manuel Lanzini – The first goal of the weekend was arguably the most pivotal. Has it ended Spurs’ title challenge? Well yes, probably. Lanzini kept a cool head amongst the derby furore to absolutely smash home the winner from about six yards but they all count, and as it was against Spurs he’ll probably be made Mayor of London (stadium).