Harry Kane is just a s**t Jamie Vardy and Arsene thought about three at the back in 1907

Todays Tales

I knew it wasn’t a good idea to put this off until Friday. Tuesday, not enough news to make a column. Wednesday, well the matches have started now so I may as well wait until the midweek matches. Friday, can anyone remember what happened on Tuesday? Seriously, thank god the season is nearly over hey?

Luckily, I did make some notes – and you are in for a treat. Granted, it might be a “treat” like where your parents forced you take medicine trying to convince you it was honey or something, but a treat nonetheless.

Back on Monday Inter announced that they wanted Pochettino to become their new manager. Or Conte. Or Luis Enrique. Or Diego Simeone if he fancied it. Hell, at this rate Walter Mazzarri might get the job as he is out of work. Yes, all those English lessons have gone to complete waste, unless of course he had learned the English for “Walter, here’s your P45. Now be a good chap and put a brave face on it until the season is finished old man?”

Cue all the names being linked to Vicarage Road, all of which need a anthemic, atmospheric soundtrack accompanied with the caption, “which one of these men would like to shorten their Premier League career by managing Watford Football Club?” Of course, you could argue that if they did a good job they might get more than a season in the hot-seat.

Monday also brought us the final time John Terry skippered Chelsea at Stamford Bridge. JT, legend, leader, Lothario. In a mere two minutes we got a glimpse of why Terry was one of England’s finest every centre-back goalscorers and why he should retire with immediate effect. That said, in that one single moment of defensive calamity he registered more assists for West Ham than Simone Zaza managed in half a season in claret and blue. Diego Costa enjoyed the “party of champions” so much he popped out for some chocolate cake at half time, and failed to get Antonio Conte any. Now, if that doesn’t say Costa to China or Conte to Inter I don’t know what does.

Arsene Wenger claimed he nearly switched to three at the back at the beginning of last season, coming up with another brilliant of retrospective thinking that, if he had actually done it, might have meant he wasn’t looking like such a fool today. Of course Arsene, three at the back was your idea. Of course it was. Just like you went round Mbappe’s house for tea and decided not to sign him? Brilliant. Still, the Gunners might still get 4th place having finally beaten Jordan Pickford 2-0.

Pep claimed that if he was at Bayern or Barcelona, you know, real football clubs with a bit of pedigree, he’d have been sacked after this season. I still cannot work out if he was being grateful or slinging his thumb back over his shoulder going, “this lot, seriously, not a clue between them!” Of course, City are still very much in line for a top four finish as we head towards “the Sky Sports Sunday Shoot Out” or whatever bobbins they decide to brand it with.

Harry Kane, that “shit Jamie Vardy”, smashed four past Leicester as Spurs showed that they can still win a game of football after the title has gone elsewhere. Pochettino was moved to say that he will still be in charge at the start of next season.

Manchester United drew 0-0. I know, who’d have thunk it?

The FA have decided that retrospective action will be taken against any player caught conning the referee next season. Why stop at referees. We should ban players caught conning anyone, which could spell bad news for Paul Pogba, Andre Ayew and Mesut Ozil. Hell, let’s go for the managers as well, right Moyesy?

Vodafone have decided against paying a shed load of money to have their name all over the London Stadium. I’ve spent all week trying to come up with a suitable gag for that and have, quite honestly and miserably, failed. There has to be something about poor signal in there somewhere, but I can’t find it.