Pan the Pundits – Literalism

Pan the Pundits

Wait, what do you mean I’m contractually obliged to do this? There’s no contr…

Hello. It’s that time of the season where the football ends and I now have to spend time with other humans who exist and know my name. Apparently, they’re called ‘friends and family’. But before I get dragged off into summery hell, I thought I’d come back and literally Pan the Pundits. I know, I know, I’m a revolutionary.

Typically, we’d open with Gary and some sort of atrociously written pun but, as I’ve witnessed this season, the BBC’s front man sometimes really can’t be that bothered to do the dull weeks. Fortunately, they’ve got reserves for when the crisp man goes home to hang out with Lionel Richie and eat cheese and onion. Gabby Logan is there while Manish Bhasin harks back to the good old days of the Football League Show, but why they wouldn’t let Steve Claridge out of his cage is beyond me.

If it’s a big weekend then we’d get the obligatory Alan Shearer appearance. Of course, Big Al wouldn’t say anything particularly important for the most part but in amongst the banality there might be a nugget of decent analysis. Like the drunkard that rambles on and on to you but will occasionally drop something interesting or funny in there amongst the nonsense. That was a s**t analogy. Kind of like Al’s.

Joining Al as one of the big pundits is generally Ian Wright who may be one of the best pundits Match of the Day has. There’s not a lot more to say to that. He’s a marked improvement on his ex-teammate Martin Keown who’s got angrier in his old age it seems. If you want a guy to say something stupid and angry about anything then Martin’s your man.

Danny Murphy was another bright spot in the pundit’s seat as his burgeoning punditry career continued. Then again, he only made fleeting appearances because who really wants to hear about why Arsenal couldn’t defend in their home defeat to everyone, or just what makes Nemanja Matic the key cog in the Chelsea midfield. We need more irrational hatred from Keown!

Then we got treated to the wonders of Trevor Sinclair. Perhaps Trevor doesn’t quite understand what his job entails. See, young Trevor thinks that punditry is just saying what everyone else has already said and hoping that nobody listens to you if you sound boring enough. Listen closely to what he says next time you see him. He speaks but he doesn’t say anything. If that was a philosophy dissertation then I would have just become the world’s greatest philosopher but sadly Pan the Pundits doesn’t have that reach yet. And Trevor Sinclair sucks.

There was also the usual hodgepodge of ex-pros that lined the seats as well. Jermaine Jenas is still rocking back and forward screaming “not this way”; Kevin Kilbane is still confused as to why he was described as “dynamic”; Didi Hamann is still German and Ruud Gullit is still keeping a wary distance from Alan Shearer.

Now how do I get out of this contract? Where’s that Bosman lad when you need him?