Brumour: A breaking rumour…

Arsene Wenger, a Frenchman, has been seen in France. I repeat – Arsene, a Frenchman has been seen in France! Now, we don’t know for sure if he has unsigned contracts, pens and a chequebook in his backpack but he is over there for sure. Let’s humour the Gooners and assume that he isn’t visiting family. HE MUST BE SIGNING EVERYONE, EVERYONE!

Kylian Mbappe, Lacazette, Mendy, Bakayoko, Lemar, Bernardo Silva you are heading to London. Whether you like it or not! Actually, no you Bernardo. You were sensible, you sorted yourself out quickly. But no, 100% nailed on, Arsene is going big in the transfer market and he wants photos in the papers proving that.

Oh, hang on. It couldn’t be that Arsene wants to be seen to be trying to buy these players before someone comes in with a slightly bigger bid and he can dust off the press release entitled “well, we cannot compete with the likes of PSG/United/Chelsea/Bayern/City/Madrid when it comes to spending that kind of money because we understand the value of blah, blah and blah”. Yeah, it’s probably that the more I think about it. Don’t worry though Arsenal fans, there’s bound to be a striker somewhere in the U15’s who’ll help you win the title in a few years, right?

Speaking of young strikers coming through academies and scoring important goals, Dominic Solanke gave Liverpool fans a taste of what their U23 team can expect next season scoring the goal that put England U20’s in a World Cup semi-final. I am sure Roman is gutted.

If I were Liverpool, I would have negotiated some kind of bulk-buying discount from Southampton by now. There is no way on earth I’d be paying the full £60m off the shelf price for Virgil when I’ve already given them a fair bit of business over the years. Surely Southampton should be thinking about looking after their best client? Maybe throw in a couple of academy players for free? 25% off the next purchase if made in the next transfer window? It’s almost as if football clubs are not really run like real businesses. Anyway, Kloppo thinks Virgil is worth the cash and Virgil likes the German’s passion and enthusiasm so all that kinda points to some kind of deal happening if they can push it through before the owners really think about the fact they are about to spend £60m on a defender.

Liverpool’s transfer committee have already started to get cold feet over spending £30m on Salah, as they prefer to pay about £3m for a Chelsea reject (see Solanke for reference).

Eden Hazard has broken his ankle, meaning that a move to Real is either more likely to happen or less likely to happen, depending on what transfer rumour lies you prefer to believe. Either way, it will probably be a good excuse for Chelsea to go and buy someone – maybe they could take a look at Arsene’s list and make his life easier?

Some people are circulating the chat that Alvaro Morata will be heading to Old Trafford with David De Gea going the other way, which has (using my high-tech transfer b******t device) about a 5% chance of happening. But, if it did, logically that means that Joe Hart will end up as United’s number one. Obviously.

Now, if you are a similar age to myself, you’ll remember when AC Milan used to be chasing all the best players in the world and Serie A was the place to be. Well, it’s not really like that anymore so Milan have to embarrass themselves publically by being linked to the likes of Tottenham’s Moussa Sissoko. Yes, how the mighty have fallen. Milan that is, not Sissoko.

Romelu Lukaku has been taking lessons from Arsene, and has announced that “he knows where he will be playing football next season”. Whether he is going to let anyone else on the secret is anyone’s guess. Chelsea are perennially linked, Manchester United are thought to be keen and there’s bound to be some team somewhere happy to pay Everton £60m or so. The chances are he’ll still be at Goodison next season unless, of course, Arsene being in France is a big ruse and he has someone getting big Rom signed up?

Pepe might be coming to the Premier League, as his time at Madrid is done. If only there was a defensively soft football club that needed toughening up to mount a proper title bid. Kloppo? Arsene? Pep? Are you there?

Hull, admittedly not in the Premier League anymore, could be on the verge of quite a managerial coup if they do announce ex-Russia manager Leonid Slutsky as their new boss. Apparently Roman has told Hull that they must appoint him, which begs the question why would he? Maybe he is being housed there briefly as Antonio Conte could be off sooner than we think? Who knows, I’m pretty much making stuff up now.

Have Rafa and Pepe fallen out? I thought the Napoli keeper was heading to St James’ Park but it now looks like Rafa prefers Willy after all. Caballero could well be Rafa’s number one next season.

Finally, anyone would think Tony Adams had a book to sell. He’s now gone and claimed that Wilshere is better than Ozil and signing the German was an insult to English footballers. Tony, mate, they’re both shit.