Jose Mourinho is a confusing fellow. He sells Juan Mata to Manchester United because he can’t stand him, then follows him to Old Trafford and turns him into a key component in the side. Having done it once, he is now trying to have a second chance with another player that he once cast aside, £75m worth of Everton’s wantaway Romelu Lukaku. We can only presume that Real Madrid really, really hate dealing with United, refuse to do anything to help Mourinho and would actually quite like Alvaro Morata sitting on their bench next season as word was on the ITK street that United were very close to agreeing terms on the Spaniard. Things change faster than Lukaku can miss-control a pass it would seem.

Arsenal, having strung it out for as long as they could, announced the £52m signing of Lyon’s Alexandre Lacazette. Arsenal fans were very happy until someone reminded them that Olivier Giroud gets more of a game for France than this boy. We shall see what happens at the Emirates next.

Where does the Lukaku deal leave Chelsea? It is believed Antonio Conte has agreed to the crazy plan to rid themselves of Diego Costa to Atletico Madrid for a mere £22m. Considering that Troy Deeney is being linked to Leicester City for £20m, I have lost all sense of what is real, right or even normal in the transfer market. Next, you’ll be telling me that a relegated goalkeeper will cost a mid-table side £30m. Oh.

West Ham United continue to be linked to anything that plays in front of a midfield, despite an extra £25m being added to any price tag since David Gold’s admission that the club are “desperate” for some strikers. I’m not even going to give you the current list, you can just pick any name of any striker you like and do it yourself.

Everton are still expecting to bring Wayne Rooney to Goodison Park, but talk of him being a make-weight in the Lukaku deal are wide of the mark. If anybody is taking Rooney’s weight into account in the deal then the figures will be all over the place.

Roque Mesa has signed for Swansea City and has already enlisted Angel Rangel to teach him the lingo. I’m popping away to work on as many table puns as possible, just in case Mesa does something useful for Paul Clement next season.

Anyway, with all these ridiculous “player reveals” going on – I mean, did you see the whole Lacazette farce yesterday?! – I am looking forward to the next major signing. I’m hoping that they go full Question of Sport and show Ally McCoist, John Parrot and their teams straining their necks, wisecracking their way through trying to work out which mystery player is wearing the Father Christmas outfit and handing out toys to the kids in July. There will be banter, jokes and all that before McCoist suggests “I think it’s Lukaku, Sue” only for Sue Barker to reveal it’s Wayne Rooney holding a new contract extension.