We all know Manchester City want to be the biggest club in the world, and that’s OK. But whilst they’ve been going round spending world record sums of money on a mixture of right backs and left backs Real Madrid have been doing what proper big clubs do. Lining up world record transfers for strikers, you know, the guys who actually win games for people. AS Monaco’s Kylian Mbappe looks like he will be joining Zinedine Zidane’s back-to-back Champions League winners for £161m. £161m! That’s insane. But will it be a world record for long, or at all? Is that Neymar thing still happening? Who knows?

Alvaro Morata has said he was always destined to play football for Antonio Conte. He didn’t mention Chelsea, admittedly, but Conte is one of Morata’s favourite employers. Well Alvaro, let’s just hope he sticks around long enough for you to enjoy him, hey?

West Ham United have confirmed the signing of Javier Hernandez, the former Manchester United goal getter. He has set the Hammers back £16m, but that is not the real story. The real story is that Javier is 29. 29!! But he looks so young, dammit. They said Ole Gunnar Solskjaer was the baby-faced assassin, so what does that make Javier? The youthfully-good-looking-goal-grabber?

Arsene Wenger playing Mohammed Elneny at centre back in preseason is a bit like the boyfriend not really knowing how to tell his girlfriend it is over. Mohammed, you’re done mate. It’s finished. Arsene would like to sell you, get you off Arsenal’s books. He wants you to see other people, and wouldn’t mind you having a long-term affair with Galatasaray.

The quality of the clubs chasing Jack Wilshere is fading by the day. Antalyaspor of Turkey are the latest crew to be linked to the injury waiting to happen. I can’t see that happening myself, a treatment room in Turkey is a long way from home.

Arsenal are also being linked to Manchester City’s hot prospect Jadon Sancho. Rather than wait for Arsene to leave young Sancho in the reserves whilst persisting with the likes of Theo Walcott and then pick the kid up for next to nothing, Borussia Dortmund are keen on cutting out the middle man and signing the England youth international themselves so they can shout “house” in their personal game of European starlet bingo.

Another tournament winning England youth international, Chelsea’s Izzy Brown, may have come back from his summer of victory hoping to get a chance at Stamford Bridge. Not a chance. You’re off to Brighton and Hove Albion on loan Izzy, and be grateful.

Finally today, Crystal Palace are prepared to pay Liverpool £30m for big Mamadou Sakho. Suddenly, with all the crazy happening, that feels like good value. Palace also finally confirmed the signing or Jairo Riedeweld which is, unamusingly, a bloody good deal.