The Magnificent 7: Tinder, making competition rules up as you go and Pep can retire happy

The Magnificent 7

As we draw ever closer to the real stuff kicking off, who have been the finest seven purveyors of football excellence in the last seven days? Of course, excellence isn’t the exact word to describe the subjects below, but hey….

#1 Arsenal

As my friend Nate Smith said over on Arsenal Insider yesterday, has there ever been a more Arsenal way to win a trophy? Despite Sevilla beating the Gunners and having a 100% record themselves, Arsenal managed to lift the Emirates Cup due to some obscure points ruling over goals scored. I am cynical, yes, but I am not completely sure they didn’t just make that rule up after they lost.

#2 Pep Guardiola

Well, you must be able to call it a day now Pep, surely? Having watched his team beat Tottenham Hotspur in a meaningless preseason friendly, Pep declared to the world that it was the most complete performance City had put in since he took over and started spending billions of pounds on full backs. Pep, it doesn’t count mate. And have you ever heard to peaking too soon?

#3 Alexis Sanchez

As I mentioned in yesterday’s column, we’ve all pulled a sicky on the first day back after a holiday. Admittedly, I never called in from Chile but that’s just me. Sanchez really, really doesn’t want to be at Arsenal anymore, so much so he has taken to wearing scarfs in the middle of summer. At least he remembered rule 7 on the 2017 version of pulling a sicky – post an appropriate image on Instagram to back up your claim.

#4 Darron Gibson

Similar to Sanchez above, we’ve all done it. Had a few too many to drink and then bad-mouthed a few colleagues, especially the really shit ones that don’t even pretend they want to work for the company. Darron Gibson was caught on social media (I mean seriously, when will they learn) pissed as anything slagging off his team-mates at Sunderland telling everyone how crap the club was and how some of the players were not even trying. Well done Darron for saying publicly what we all already knew.

#5 Wagner

No, not David Wagner. The actual Wagner. No, not the composer. The Walrus looking fella from X-Factor a decade ago. Yeah, him. He was on the pitch at half-time in the Dundee Derby at the weekend doing the raffle. And they say these reality stars slip out of the public eye after a while? Bunkem!

#6 Ed Woodward

Credit where credit is due. Jose begged and Ed delivered. Mourinho was unhappy having only been gifted a £75m striker and a £30m defender in the summer transfer window, so Ed immediately got into overdrive and hand delivered Jose’s third choice midfielder for £40m. That should keep him happy for a while.

#7 Manchester United

Manchester United have often led the way when it comes to commercial thinking in football, so hats off to whoever closed the Tinder deal. Granted, half their first team squad have probably closed some kind of deal or other on Tinder, but getting the dating app on the sleeves of the famous United shirt is yet another step forward in the crazy circus act of Premier League football. Sir Matt Busby is turning in his grave.