The Magnificent 7

Well, you’d think the Premier League being back would make this week’s Magnificent 7 a bit easier to write, wouldn’t you? Let me tell you right now, that is not the case. Sure, I am not scrabbling around but how do you expect me to find just seven things to comment on after that weekend? I shall do my very best, as always.

#1 Gary Cahill

“It’s a great honour to be named captain of this great club, and if I can be half as good as our last great captain blah blah blah blah”. If it was that great an honour Gary, then did you not fancy seeing it through for the whole 90 minutes, or did you take John Terry’s advice a little too literally? “Yeah Gaz, last time I skippered the lads in a Premier League game I went off after 26 minutes. Maybe try that?” Nice one Gary, you managed to lead the side, albeit not actually being on the pitch, to one of the most humiliating opening day defeats for a reigning champion in years.

#2 Rafa Benitez

“Jonjo, for sure, he has grown up a lot since the last time he got needlessly sent off and banned for some crucial matches that saw us lose many games” said Rafa at some point before chucking the armband in the direction of Jonjo Shelvey. Yeah, good choice Rafa. He’s hardly Steven Gerrard is he? “Jonjo, for sure, he has apologised to everyone after the game” after Shelvey’s red card led to Newcastle losing to Tottenham.

#3 Frank de Boer

“I will come to your English league, and I will turn any rubbish team into the great Ajax Amsterdam overnight, overnight I tell you!” said Frank, maybe. That didn’t go too well for him, as with all the best will in the world those two centre backs he has are never going to be able to play like Cruyff.

#4 Mauricio Pochettino

This guy can turn water into wine. Sure, he is disgruntled at Daniel Levy selling players for crazy money and not replacing them. But Poch knows he can just dip into the Academy and call up the next carbon copy replacement. Hell, they even have the same names now (almost). Kyle Walker-Peters stepped in superbly at right back and Spurs fans can look forward to Harry Kane-Peters getting a game the next time Harry feels like he needs a weekend off.

#5 Jose Mourinho

“I always win the league in the second season,” Jose said to himself in the mirror before United kicked off against West Ham, “especially if I have been given £150m to spend on new players over the summer”. Credit to Jose though, honestly, he has spent the money well buying a striker that looks like he will score the same amount as Zlatan, looks as scary as Zlatan but not be as completely self-obsessed as Zlatan. Also, getting Nemanja Matic for £40m is absolutely hilarious upon reflection.

#6 Olivier Giroud

I tell you what, it isn’t a bad scam really, is it? All of you reading now – go to your boss and suggest getting paid the same but doing 20% of the work and see what he says. This is basically what Giroud looks like he is going to get away with from now. Alexandre Lacazette will play 70 minutes, do pretty well, and then Olivier can come off the bench and score the winner, get the glory and still be fresh for his evening activities. Perfect, well done Olivier.

#7 Joey Barton

So Joey is on TalkSport now, which kinda makes sense. However, his tweet saying something like “if I were a betting man” was comical. Joey, we all know you are a betting man. That’s why you were on TalkSport at the weekend and not out on the pitch.