Tales Top Tips

What? Are you still reading this after being foolish enough to place real money on the “tips” we gave you last week? More fool you! But hey, at least that’s one reader for today’s shenanigans!

What is the Premier League offering us this weekend? Let’s find out…

Swansea City vs Manchester United

Eh? You mean United still have to play matches even though they tied up the title last week? That doesn’t seem fair. Well, rules is rules I suppose. Jose takes his men down to Wales for the early Saturday kick off and will, no doubt, get the classic Mourinho 1-0 or 2-0 win. Twitter will wax lyrical about Nemanja Matic being a bargain at £40m when Gylfi Sigurdsson costs £45m and Romelu Lukaku will probably score. But, the striker is also due another horrendous miss so watch out for that.

Swansea City 0 – 2 Manchester United

AFC Bournemouth vs Watford

Bournemouth haven’t exactly been given the sexiest of starts to the season, considering all that pretty football they try and play. West Bromwich Albion last week and now Watford. Watford will be licking their lips no doubt, as they faired pretty well against one team last week who put minimal effort into defending, so the thought of Bournemouth playing all open at home will get Marco Silva feeling all warm and fuzzy. However, both sides are delightfully inconsistent so I can see Bournemouth getting their first three points of the season and Watford putting in the kind of show that will remind their fans that paying to watch them away from home is not a wise investment.

Bournemouth 3 – 1 Watford

Burnley vs West Bromwich Albion

I don’t care if Burnley scored three goals at Stamford Bridge last week, this is still an awful, disgusting looking fixture. For me, the easiest way to make this game vaguely entertaining is to put 20 set piece variations in a hat and let each team pull out 5 each. The team that scores the most from them win because let’s be honest, that’s all that is going to happen in the match anyway. Excitingly though, an Albion victory could see them top of the league come Saturday night. Retire now Tony, retire now.

Burnley 0 – 1 West Bromwich Albion

Leicester City vs Brighton & Hove Albion

According to Chris Hughton, Leicester are role models when it comes to clubs getting promoted from the Championship. In which case Brighton fans, don’t expect many wins this side of Christmas. Seriously though, people know that whole Leicester thing was a complete one-off, don’t they? Brighton were solid against Manchester City in their Premier League debut last weekend, but all that really meant was retreating to their penalty area and letting City pass it around non-stop in front of them. They’ll need slightly different tactics against Leicester who looked vaguely like their old selves in the thriller at Arsenal.

Leicester City 3 – 0 Brighton & Hove Albion

Liverpool vs Crystal Palace

How can you even try and predict this one? Sure, common sense suggests that Liverpool will absolutely batter a Palace side so bad last week that some were reminiscing about the good times under Alan Pardew. But football is not fuelled by common sense. Simon Mignolet played pretty well in the Champions League game against Hoffenheim which has to mean that his usual clown-like demeanour will return at Anfield. Crystal Palace can not reasonably be expected to be so criminally pathetic two weeks in a row so I think there could be a bit of a surprise here if a 1-1 draw with Benteke heading home from a corner can be called a surprise.

Liverpool 1 – 1 Crystal Palace

Southampton vs West Ham United

Southampton’s fans must still be recovering from all the excitement of last week. I mean, they craved free flowing, attacking football and they will have seen plenty of it in their 0-0 draw with Swansea. Fun, fun, fun right? West Ham were shocking at Old Trafford so a defeat here would certainly suggest that they could be in for a very long season. This game excites me almost as much as the Burnley vs West Bromwich Albion match, but at least in that one, we’re going to see two stereotypical British sides bash lumps out of each other. At St Mary’s it’s going to be a lot of safe, sideways passing that looks all technical but has sod all end product. If it was not for the fact that Joe Hart was in goal for West Ham I’d be calling this 0-0, but with that selection in mind, I am going 1-1.

Southampton 1 – 1 West Ham United

Stoke City vs Arsenal

There was a time where this fixture would fill Arsenal with fear. It would be tough, uncompromising and any point would be well-earned. Fast-forward five or six years and Stoke have a softer centre than a marshmallow and will have no answer to the Arsenal attacking talent that will revel in these kind of matches this season. I can see Arsenal getting four, maybe five here which will get some people over-excited. Hell, even Theo Walcott might get a game and score.

Stoke City 0 – 4 Arsenal

Huddersfield Town vs Newcastle United

You know what, come Monday morning we might be looking at a Premier League table that has Huddersfield Town top of it. They humiliated Crystal Palace on debut, and now have a home game against a Newcastle side still looking woefully short of Premier League quality. Rafa, I know it’s not your fault, but signing Joselu from Stoke isn’t going to kick start your season mate. David Wagner will orchestrate yet another three points here, and the Terriers will be neck and neck with United, Arsenal and, yes, West Brom come the Monday papers.

Huddersfield Town 2 -1 Newcastle United

Tottenham Hotspur vs Chelsea

Lazy people will look at Chelsea in supposed crisis and a Tottenham side full of confidence and think that this is a done deal for Spurs. But folks, when was anything a done deal for Spurs? Let’s look at a few things here. Firstly, they are probably favourites to win this. That’s a worry from the off. Secondly, they have a big Wembley shaped monkey on their back. That’s not going to help either. Finally, Conte maybe really, really pissed off with life at Chelsea right now but he is far too proud to let the Champions start with back to back defeats. I can see this being a draw, but I am going for Chelsea to wake the hell up and prick the Tottenham bubble before it’s even got properly inflated.

Tottenham Hotspur 0 – 2 Chelsea