Another week, another edition of Pan The Pundits. We’re greeted this week with a montage of the opening weekend set to some modern upbeat music undoubtedly making Steve, 46, from Crawley very annoyed. “What’s this rubbish Carol?”
Gary’s still in the hotseat as we’re joined by the not terrible Jermaine Jenas and the always excellent Danny Murphy.
AW COME ON! We start this week at Southampton, who I christened Middlesbrough’s replacements for team I couldn’t give a flying f**k about. They were hosting West Ham, a team that proves you don’t necessarily have to be any good to spend millions upon millions each summer.
Well, somebody at Southampton is clearly reading this then. That was full of excitement. They were helped slightly by Marko Arnautovic throwing a tantrum when he realised that moving to West Ham was a step down from Stoke. Charlie Austin scored the winner from the spot thanks to Mark Noble who is clearly trying his best to get angry Slav sacked. One man that isn’t is Javier Hernandez, who I get the feeling will turn West Ham into a competent version of Sunderland from last season.
We’re off abroad next as we headed to South Wales where Swansea hosted The Greatest Team In The World (trademark pending). Jose’s boys were basically champions after beating the unbeatable West Ham last week. Swansea were at Southampton and that means I’ve blocked the memory of that game out.
Well then. United won fairly comfortably even though there’s an argument Pogba should have been sent off. Maybe on another day and all that. Romelu Lukaku got another as well to help replace Ibrahimovic although his celebration makes him look like a SmartPrice version of the big Swede. Swansea worked hard and were undone in the last ten minutes when they went for it.
Fair play to Jermaine Jenas. He called United on not being actually that brilliant. They’re good but they’re not great just yet. Now where’s the clapping emoji?
It was too the NotBrittania next where Stoke were fresh off topping up their talented but wayward quota by signing Jese Rodriguez on loan from PSG in the week. Arsenal fans were preparing for another hokey-cokey because, you know, they’ve got nothing better to do with their lives.
That Jese kid’s not bad eh? Even Saido Berahino tried but, bless him, he still can’t score. I’m pretty sure the goal drought is heading into centuries. Arsenal fans are swinging towards Out on The Wenger Scale (another trademark pending) but Arsenal were perhaps unlucky not to get anything.
Oh what a game this will be! Onyx hosted Tactics Tony in the battle who can be the most unfashionable manager in Premier League history. Burnley were fresh off beating the Terminators last week while The Wall managed to beat Bournemouth in a clash of two sides destined to play at 3pm on a Saturday for the rest of the time.
Classic Tony. West Brom create little and score the only shot on target of the game through Robson Hal-Kanu. Wait, that’s not his name? Yeah, I know but that doesn’t mean Gary knows. The BBC spends millions on him too. Burnley created plenty but kept missing their target. I don’t have a comparison that won’t get me in trouble so let’s move on.
It’s Leicester next who were hosting Championship side Brighton. I refuse to believe that a side managed by Chris Hughton has any chance of staying in the Premier League longer than two seasons. Leicester probably have something funny about them but I’m struggling to see it. They’re basically a jumped up Stoke at this point.
Well, it seems Brighton are destined to lose 2-0 for the rest of eternity. When does it stop being brave? Anyway, despite their best attempts to make Matt Ryan feel at home by dressing like the Australian national team, they were simply outplayed by Leicester. Shinji Okazaki jumped around plenty and even got a goal to make everyone smile.
We off to Bournemouth next where the United Nations were in town. Amazingly, the Foreign Guy is doing his best to cut down on the nationalities. It’s now down to just the 15 in the squad while Bournemouth are looking to firmly secure their spot in mid-table.
OK, maybe backing Watford to go down was a bad idea. Even despite Chalobah deciding to leave the ball to absolutely nobody, Watford managed to get two goals including one from Etienne Capoue who is somehow still their best striker. Bournemouth are not looking good so far so when’s Eddie Howe getting sacked?
To Anfield next where Crystal Palace were the visitors. Liverpool managed to avoid total defensive disaster in their midweek Champions League tie in Germany so are clearly fixed while Palace are still persisting with playing Ajax football with James Tomkins. That’ll end well.
A Liverpool clean sheet? Jesus, Palace are going down. In truth, it was clearly all Andrew Robertson who is now the best defender in the history of football because of this fact. Sadio Mane scored the only goal of the game because he’s f**king brilliant. I’m not biased, honest.
And that’s it. So what did we learn this week – Lukaku is a SmartPrice Ibra, Brighton will lose 2-0 forever, Robson Hal-Kanu is now a permanent thing and I need someone to make a Wenger Scale graphic immediately.