Tales Top Tips

Enjoy this one whilst you can folks because that sodding international stuff is back next week. We wait three months for the Premier League to get going again and then they take it away three weeks later. Unlike Wayne Rooney, we won’t be taking the week off though, but we might be scrabbling around for stuff to write about. In the meantime, let’s look at this weekend’s matches!

AFC Bournemouth vs Manchester City

Don’t do it Eddie, don’t do it. You just know that Eddie Howe will be viewing this game as a great chance to go and out pass Pep Guardiola. Eddie, that will be sending your Bournemouth lambs out to the Manchester City slaughter. Try and defend deep. Try and be solid. Leave Jermain up there on his own and try and get him a chance or two in the box, you never know. Sadly, Bournemouth will play open, oh so open and City will score a few I feel.

AFC Bournemouth 0 – 3 Manchester City

Crystal Palace vs Swansea City

How’s that total football working out for you, Frank? Poor Frank de Boer has even had Sam Allardyce on his case this week, reminding the world that he kept Palace up by playing the absolute opposite style to the former Ajax manager. Worryingly, Big Sam probably has a point. It might get worse before it gets better for Palace and de Boer. Luckily for them, they are playing Swansea City this week, so there is a chance Selhurst Park might be celebrating at least a point simply granted to them because the opposition are even more rubbish than they are.

Crystal Palace 1 – 1 Swansea City

Huddersfield Town vs Southampton

How many games do Huddersfield Town have to win before people start to accept these guys are genuine contenders for the title? Of course, I jest but I can genuinely see them being three from three come the final whistle. Southampton finally managed to score at home last weekend, but they were shooting at Joe Hart. All I can say is, Claude Puel wouldn’t be losing this match away from home.

Huddersfield Town 2 – 0 Southampton

Newcastle United vs West Ham United

Ah, this game catches the eye. Rafa Benitez who could do with some money to spend as he’d probably spend it quite wisely vs Slaven Bilic who has to sit back and watch his board piss his transfer fund up against a wall. Rafa needs a win, and he’ll probably get it in this one. West Ham are comical, and this only the third match of the season. I hadn’t picked up on the fact that Mark Noble had told Charlie Austin that Joe Hart knew which way the penalty was going, only for Austin to then send it the other way as a result of the heads-up. Brilliant.

Newcastle United 3 – 1 West Ham United

Watford vs Brighton & Hove Albion

Every Saturday has a game that nobody is interested in, and this is it. Actually, I fib a little. I am interested in it as I’ve thrown Richarlison into my Fantasy team. Other than that, there is very little here for the neutral to care about. Brighton might get their first point, they might not. Now Paul Merson has admitted he might have been wrong to say Watford were certainties to go down, they might lose. So many potential outcomes, so few people care.

Watford 2 – 1 Brighton & Hove Albion

Manchester United vs Leicester City

Do we even need to preview this one? United 4-0, right? Well, probably not. Leicester look alright this season and should have a little bit more backbone than West Ham and Swansea. That’s not saying much though, and it won’t be enough for the Foxes fans to leave Old Trafford with anything other than a nice day out. The big news from United is that Zlatan has retired instantly from his new career in arm wrestling to make a dramatic return as third choice striker. Coming to you at a football ground near you, sometime in January, a previously slick attacking machine returning to a clunky, one-paced outfit unable to score at home to Burnley.

Manchester United 2 – 0 Leicester City

Chelsea vs Everton

The Monday red tops are crying out for a “Rooney shows England what they are missing” kind of headline, so all eyes will be on Wayne Rooney to continue his good form at the start of the season. Hang on, good form? Surely this “good form” is only being considered such as it is in direct comparison to the complete drivel he has been serving up for the last two seasons? Anyway, Rooney will be keen to score against Chelsea and Chelsea will be keen to pick up where they left off against Tottenham. I just hope David Luiz plays in midfield again because that is even more enjoyable than watching him play at the back. Alvaro Morata will probably score as the game isn’t being played at Wembley.

Chelsea 2 – 2 Everton

West Bromwich Albion vs Stoke City

Oh my. Tony Pulis could still be top of the league come the international matches. My “predictions” so far would have United and Huddersfield still sharing top spot on Saturday night, until WBA decimate Stoke 1-0 on Sunday. What do we reckon? The goal comes from a corner or a free kick? Or a corner? Or a free kick? Or maybe from a cross, after a corner gets half cleared? Gareth Barry should be fit to start having suffered neck ache after his first game watching the ball sail over his head 100 times.

West Bromwich Albion 1 – 0 Stoke City

Liverpool vs Arsenal

There’s got to be goals in this one, no? All the components are there for goals. It’s being bigged up by Sky. Neither team can defend for love, nor money. The game ended 4-3 last season. This has to have goals, goals and more goals. Arsenal should be fresh, having not had the hassle of a European Champions League qualifier midweek, whereas Klopp’s boys might be emotionally drained at having run around one hell of a lot for the first half an hour on Wednesday night. I have a feeling this one might disappoint.

Liverpool 0 – 0 Arsenal

Tottenham Hotspur vs Burnley

Oh come on Spurs, even you can’t fail to win this one at Wembley. Sure, Burnley netted three in their last trip to London but that was a one off. Mind you, Chelsea then beat Spurs 2-1 at Wembley, so by under ten rules, Burnley are going to win this game 5-2. But seriously, imagine the hilarity if Burnley did actually win this one. That whole Wembley chat would take a whole new turn if Chris Wood comes off the bench and heads home a late winner!

Tottenham Hotspur 4 – 1 Burnley