See, Arsene? If you go big and brave in the transfer market you get your rewards. It’s as simple as that. Green arrows for me this week, and as I start to get my head around this whole thing that appears to be the colour I want. Get in. 50 points we gathered this week, above the average of 43 and I’ve seen myself fly up the league. And by fly up the league, I mean I am now slightly less laughable than West Ham or Crystal Palace.
Let’s have a look at the runners and riders!
Ben Foster, 2 points
I have got to seriously stop thinking I have Fraser Forster in goal, or just go and sign the guy. Ben Foster should have had a clean sheet for me, leading Stoke 1-0 with ten minutes or so to go. WBA just simply do not throw those situations away, so they threw it away. Not the finest start for me, especially as I tipped them to win 1-0 and return to the top of the Premier League.
Joel Matip, 6 points
This was always going to be a clean sheet, wasn’t it? Arsenal, without a win against a top six side before the first ever Tales column was penned, away at Anfield. To be honest, I didn’t even notice Matip was playing, it was that easy for him.
Phil Jones, 7 points
I have a sneaky feeling this might well be the best signing I make this season. Phil Jones will get a lot of games for United, and he was fantastic on debut for me in a 2-0 win over Leicester City. He might be ugly, but I like my centre backs ugly. If someone could let me know why he got an extra point though, that would be cool. Don’t defenders and keepers get two points just for turning up, then four points for a clean sheet?
Cesar Azpilicueta, 9 points
Again, I have no idea how Azpi got nine points – feel free to educate me. But, a 2-0 win for a Chelsea side no longer in crisis will do me. The game against Everton was the one where I wasn’t sure if we could claim a clean sheet, you know with Rooney being in absolute world class form apparently.
David Silva, 6 points
I think I understand why Silva got six, he set up a goal didn’t he? I am glad he did, because if he hadn’t I’d have been giving serious thought to transferring him out. It was his pass that led to Gabriel Jesus scoring at Bournemouth.
James Ward-Prowse, 1 point
It’s all very well having the guy who takes the throw ins, free kicks and probably even the goal kicks in the side, but if nobody is scoring goals for them then it is a bit of a waste. I think he might well be binned for Richarlison next week, I have lost patience with him and he cost me two points. And James, you don’t get away with that too often in this team.
Dele Alli, 9 points
Well thank god he can score in August, that’s all I can say.
Steve Mounié, 2 points
Naturally, I bring him in after an impressive start to the season and he is going to prove that he was a debut goalscorer and not much more. A 0-0 was not what I wanted to see from Huddersfield.
Harry Kane, 4 points
How did he get four points? He is in the team to score goals, and he failed at home to Burnley. Nice one Harry. You owe me, and I want the debt paid off straight after the international week please.
Javier Hernandez, 1 point
Yeah, I know. I sold Roberto Firmino and brought in the Little Pea because I am a Fantasy Football idiot. Even in this West Ham team I can see goals in the Mexican, and if Slaven Bilic gets the boot the next manager might actually have a game plan that gets the ball to him more often.
All in all, that’s my best week of the season and looking ahead to gameweek four I have a plan in mind early doors. I still have no clue of the scoring system really, but who cares? Only six out of forty in our league scored more points than me this week so I am finally pointing in the right direction. It might be a bit too soon to change the name of the column though, eh?