Hello and welcome MIKE DEAN to another edition of The MIKE DEAN, The MIKE DEAN and The MIKE DEAN. It’s the third week of MIKE DEAN Premier League action and things are hotting up. We’ve had an issue with the light this week as there seems to be a referee-shaped object constantly drawn to it and won’t stop hovering around it. It is certainly an irritant, but against all odds, we’ve managed to bring you our take on the weekend’s action. Read on.
Charlie Daniels: Daniels won’t score a better goal and he’ll never again score a goal like this. It was a thing of beauty, crafted with precision and executed with perfection. Moments like these make you forget that his team actually lost the game.
Brighton: At long last, a point on the board! Just 11 more to go to avoid being labelled the worst ever team in the Premier League.
Newcastle United: No club oscillates between borderline competence and sheer uselessness like Newcastle United. Their 3-0 victory over an equally inept West Ham United could be the start of something special or it could end up being the ceremonial ship launch of The Titanic.
Huddersfield Defence: Two teams are yet to concede a single goal in the league this season. One of them did not spend £30.8m on a new centre-back.
Tammy Abraham: A young, English striker with pace, power and technique, who scored his first Premier League goal of the season. I’ll be right here when tabloids, in their infinite wisdom, label the 19-year old ‘The New Marcus Rashford’.
Mkhitaryan United: The Armenian has set up five of the ten goals scored by United so far. He’s like a new signing.
Alvaro Morata: Another goal, another assist and he’s surpassed Fernando Torres’ goal tally in his first season at Chelsea, twice over. You could hear the sighs of relief amongst the Blues faithful from miles away.
Liverpool: It’s always nice to score a hatfull of goals, especially against another so-called top-four contender (sniggers).
West Ham United: It’s going to be a repeat of the 2016-17 season, isn’t it? We’re not really sure if Bilic has enough credit to last another dismal start. He’s going to be the first Premier League manager to be dismissed via a tweet from the club owner, isn’t he?
De Boer: Ronald De Boer has had a horrid start to… It’s Frank De Boer? Are you sure, because Palace Twitter said… Anyway, whichever De Boer brother is managing Crystal Palace, has had a horrid start to the season. They’re winless in three games and have a big, fat zero in the Goals For column. De Boer could be out on his arse as early as September if things don’t improve. Let’s hope Palace get the name right on his P45.
Romelu Lukaku: So that’s how it feels when your £75m striker misses a penalty. In a game that actually counts.
Tottenham Hotspur: “Hello darkness, my old friend. I’ve come to talk with you again”.
Alexis Sanchez: Someone have pity on the Chilean and rescue him from his highly-paid nightmare.
Alexandre Lacazette: There is no greater dishonour in football than being bought for £46m and having to sit on the bench for an hour while Danny Welbeck meanders aimlessly on the pitch.
Arsenal and Arsene Wenger: Another day, another humiliation. Wenger’s goodwill amongst supporters, or whatever was left of it, is evaporating faster than water in the Sahara desert and it won’t be long before the knives are out. Again.
Mike ‘Look At Me’ Dean: Could someone please take this attention-seeking idiot off the Premier League roster and spare us the sight of a middle-aged man trying everything in his power to get his mug on television? If you’re a TV producer and you’re reading this, please do us all a favour and instruct your cameramen to blank him out. He just might come to his senses if he is starved of limelight. Or he might quit. Win-win, either way.
Steward Little: Well done to the big man who forcefully held down a spectator celebrating a 97th minute winner. And congratulations to the big cheese who got into an argument about it with Aguero, then lodged a complaint about the striker assaulting him and withdrew it once the dust had settled. I’ve seen hardened criminals treated with more respect.