Time Travel Jesus

Pan the Pundits

Time for another Pan The Pundits and I won’t lie, I caught Match of the Day this week just in time for the opening game to start. I can only assume it’s Gary Lineker hosting and I’m going to guess it’s Yer Da and Wrighty as the pundits tonight.

We start this week at the Etihad where Liverpool are almost certainly guaranteed three points. Right? Anyone? Still, it was big news this past week when it turned Philippe Coutinho only had a metaphorical sore back trying to hold his move to Barcelona together. City meanwhile had resisted the temptation to sign another 15 full backs but did get rid of Samir Nasri. Swings and roundabouts and all that.

Well, s**t. Sadio Mane’s tactic of karate kicking the crap out of Ederson to get Claudio Bravo back in goal didn’t work exactly go to plan. That being said when you play Ragnar Klavan and Simon Mignolet against Aguero and Jesus you pretty much deserve what you get. Quick shout for Gabriel Jesus who managed to travel back in time to score his second goal (his first was scored in the eighth minute of stoppage time in the first half). Also, you have to feel for the Ox who left Arsenal on a 4-0 defeat for a 5-0 defeat at City. I’m not saying it’s all his fault but it’s a bit coincidental.

Jurgen Klopp’s explanation of Mane’s red card is one to check out. Lots of hand movements and for some reason an explosion sound effect. Plus, Leroy Sane’s explanation of his second goal was “I kick the ball and good”. Thanks, Leroy.

I WAS WRIGHT! See what I did there? Amazingly, Yer Da made sense when talking Mane’s red (it was unlucky and not intentional but a red unfortunately) plus Wrighty is up against Danny Murphy for best pundit on MotD right now.

It was to the NotBritannia next where Stoke were hosting The World’s Best Team. In good news, I’m delighted to say Mark Hughes must have been reading this and listening to Talk From The Top Flight (how’s that for a plug?) because he’s dropped Saido Berahino for being rubbish. He’s still playing Mame Biram Diouf as a wing back. You can’t have it all it seems.

So, United maybe aren’t all conquering then. Eric-Maxim Choupo-Moting is their (and anyone with a keyboard’s) kryptonite although the state of his celebration dance with Kurt Zouma is pretty shambolic. Romelu Lukaku scored once again although he did manage to bottle it initially. He did miss one late on though so that about evens it up.

“I want to be polite with you.” Well, there’s a first time for everything, eh, Jose? Wrighty is just brilliant at analysis. This all a bit nice for me. I don’t like it.

Goodison next where I can confirm that Wayne Rooney was sober when he played. They were hosting Spurs who I don’t think have been on Pan The Pundits this season. Can’t wait for them to bottle something this season.

I can’t believe Everton aren’t as good as a team from the top six. This is such a shock to me. OK, that was sarcasm but, come on, who seriously expected Everton to finish higher than seventh? Harry Kane gave rise to the theory his season starts a month later than everyone else by scoring twice. Meanwhile, a woman flipped off Dele Alli because banter and that. Oh, and Everton fans, you’re not as good as you think you are.

We got a Lineker special with charisma machine Harry Kane. It’s as expected but I can’t take him seriously as I’ve been trying to complete the mind-numbing banality that is The Journey on FIFA 17. All he does is tweet m8 and say “uh”.

We’re off to Brighton next where last time they made progress by not losing 2-0. They didn’t score mind but baby steps. They were hosting Tactics Tony and The Wall so this was obviously going to be a 1-0 win for The Wall. Pre-match, the retiring John Motson had a brief flashback to the 70s when he mentioned Brunt and Evans scoring in Czechoslovakia; a country that hasn’t existed since before I was born. This isn’t going to be the first time Motty doesn’t give a f**k.

Damn it Tony! How are you going to challenge for the title by losing to Brighton? Pascal Big (my Standard Grade German coming in handy) was the hero for Brighton with a brace. The Wall were a bit crap with Ben Foster flapping and flailing all day with little result.

We headed to Arsenal next who are onto their 55th crisis so far this season. They were hosting Bournemouth who have precisely zero points but are still better than West Ham and Crystal Ajax. Despite Arsene’s best attempts at signing signer Lemar, he had to make do with a sad Alexis and Danny Welbeck, who will always be s**t.

Danny Welbeck is still s**t. He could score 50 goals a season but he’s still terrible. Lacazette on the other hand is very good. So good, in fact, that he burst the ball. Bournemouth were standard mid-table fodder here. Poor Eddie Howe would usually be questioned about his job but his team managed to find Missing Ozil so he’s immune for now. Coquelin’s injury dive was also a highlight. Beautiful form, questionable landing, 8.3.

Our penultimate game this week is at Leicester who are still a Premier League winning version of Stoke. I’ve got little else on them really. They were hosting the Terminators who are slowly getting back to winning ways. Humanoid Diego Costa is still angry but who really cares anymore?

Hey, that Morata kid is decent. Chelsea may have just upgraded on Costa by getting a player that’s as good without all the tantrums. N’Golo Kante scored too which makes him now the best player of all time by default. Jamie Vardy said “defo” in his post-match interview. Is he 15?

We finish with the UN travelling to Southampton. Not much to say other than Watford won with shots from distance. Southampton are still boring.

So, what have we learned this week? Jamie Vardy’s secretly a 15 year old, Francis Coquelin has good form, I remembered some Standard Grade German and, whatever you do, don’t kick a keeper in the face.