This week saw an old favourite returning to his former club, hoping to make a better impression than the last time he was under such close scrutiny. And that’s all we have about Wayne Rooney. Let’s see what the others were up to, in this week’s edition of The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.
The City of Manchester: In cricket terms, one was hit for a four and the other for a six. There’s plenty more teams who would find themselves stumped by the relentless onslaught from two of the strongest attacks in the league.
Sergio Aguero: The reports of the demise of Aguero’s City career have been greatly exaggerated. The Argentinian is, without a doubt, the best centre-forward in the league and has been for quite some time now. Sit down, Zlatan.
Jamaal Lascelles: It takes a truly special performance to make it into the good section twice in a row. And scoring the winner that takes Newcastle United up to fourth in the table is pretty sodding special.
Arsenal: Just a point, but it would have restored some of the infamous self-belief and character that Wenger is so fond of. Now watch them pick up a shotgun and aim it at their own two feet.
Burnley: Bravely held on for a point despite Liverpool taking more shots than a bachelorette party in Vegas.
Swansea: Another team who hung on for a draw, despite leaving their shooting boots in Wales.
Gareth Barry: Like the old, beige Volvo station wagon in your grandpa’s garage, Barry continues to chug along without standing out in any particular aspect of the game. He equalled Ryan Giggs’ Premier League appearance record in a game that doctors ought to record and use as a cure for insomnia.
Ruben Loftus-Cheek: The lone bright spark in a Palace team that could give Derby County a run for their money as the worst ever team in the Premier League.
Liverpool: Two more points dropped, another cheap goal conceded and several more attacks squandered. Now where have we seen this before? Hmm…
Crystal Palace: The first club to lose their first five matches without scoring a goal in top flight history. Soon to become the first club to lose their first eight matches without scoring a goal. At least Harry Redknapp is available again if Roy Hodgson can’t pull off the miracle he is being asked to perform.
Watford: On the day, Manchester City were magical, a sight to behold. Marco Silva is good too but he’s no Gandalf.
Everton and Ronald Koeman: It’s a case of “Mo money, mo problems” for the Dutchman. Despite spending cash like it was going out of fashion, Everton have somehow managed to become worse than last season. Don’t hold your breath waiting for that call from Catalonia, Ron.
Spurs: Still can’t buy a win at Wembley in the league despite throwing everything, including the kitchen sink at the Swansea goal.
Antonio Conte: “I hope to finish the game with 11 players,” said the Italian in his press conference. That went well.
Danny Welbeck: “Guess who’s crocked? Crocked again.
Welbeck’s crocked. Tell a friend.
Guess who’s crocked. Guess who’s crocked. Guess who’s crocked…”
David Luiz: The Sideshow Bob lookalike was having a good game until he decided to punish his manager for tempting fate, by becoming the latest Chelsea player to be sent off against Arsenal. The tackle itself was reckless, and someone less sturdy than the Bosnian tank, Sead Kolasinac, could have been nursing a broken leg. Jeez, Luiz.