August 14, 2017
A tall and dejected Belgian man walks through the streets of Manchester on a rainy day. He should be happy, he remarks to himself. Still, things are not going quite as he had hoped.
One month after moving to a new city, Romelu Lukaku has done quite well for himself. He scored in Pre-Season against Real Madrid, and just a day earlier kicked off the league campaign with a brace in his Old Trafford debut. On top of it all, the fans are really taking to him – that is, in all ways but one. This issue is what continues to drag down Romelu’s otherwise good spirits, and to fix it, he calls his younger brother for help.
Romelu: “Jordan! Good to hear from you, nice win for Lazio in the cup final yesterday!”
Jordan Lukaku: “Oh, I just came on late, you had a much better game yesterday, two goals on your home debut must have been nice.”
Romelu: “Yes that was a very good feeling.”
Jordan: “How has Chelsea Youth Anonymous gone so far?”
Romelu: “That’s a group of very upset people, and they are even more upset with Loic Remy off in Spain… Hopefully, we can make some progress by Christmas, but I’m not hopeful.
Listen, I called because I need you to talk to your friends in the Red Army. Jose has spread rumours across Manchester that I have a tiny cock to test my will and I haven’t been with a girl since I got here. Can you ask them if they can do something about it? Tell them they don’t have to do anything for me unless I keep scoring goals. We both know I will”
Jordan: “Are you sure you want to deal with those guys? Especially about such a sensitive matter? They’ve been known to do and say some nasty things…”
Romelu: “Do what you can please. It has been quite unpleasant.”
Jordan: “Okay, give it some time though. They won’t want Jose to think they are undermining him. Who knows what he would do or say if he found out.”
Romelu: “Okay brother, we’ll be in touch.”
September 18, 2017
Romelu calls his brother and as soon as Jordan picks up the phone he can feel the excitement coming from the other line.
“It worked! They were all singing about how big I am! And how good a scorer I am! This has to fix the problem!’
Jordan: “Yes I did not expect that to happen so soon, but it worked out quite nicely.”
September 19, 2017
Romelu Lukaku rolls over in bed, quickly but carefully, so as to avoid waking up the woman beside him. His phone is ringing and he quickly answers in a hushed tone “Hello?”
A voice he does not recognize says “Romelu? This is Jonny from Kick it Out.”
Romelu quickly hangs up and starts to text his brother: “We might have messed up…”