Last week on Big Ron Manager: Sean St. Ledger was a bit thick, Angry Steve was a bit angry, Magic Danny Crow was there and Big Ron came along too. Oh, and a cartoon fox is running Peterborough.
We’re back again for another tenuously linked instalment of Premier League Years and after much hilarity on this week’s Talk From The Top Flight about our bobbleheaded friend, it’s only right I finish the series.
This week we were about to be treated to fights, an Angry Steve running montage and Ron attempting to do money.
Wait, Jeff Stelling tells us seconds into this show that at the start of this (the second, remember) episode that Ron’s been there for two weeks. Someone get that man a job in retail with that productivity.
I will say that Ron does have three cute dogs who get a cameo as they go for a walk. Ron imparts more wisdom on us, saying that Posh are on a good run and their next games are what he’d call “winnable”. Never heard that term before Ron. Innovative, lad.
Perfect time for an away day at bottom side Torquay. We join the Posh boys on the coach and since this is 2006, it’s full of PSPs and titty mags. Wait, hold on, I’m sure Smart Sean and Magic Danny were simply reading it together for the articles. I mean “Orlaith Talks Dirty Sex” is an absolutely classic piece of journalism.
Uh-oh, centre back Mark Arber is in some trouble though. The big joker moved a piss sample from a drugs test for some bantz with the lads without realising that’s tampering under FA regulations. What a f**king lad! Oi oi! Then the proper prankster goes and has gastroenteritis on match day. Joker.
It’s OK though because here comes Ron who strides into the team hotel like an all-conquering hero ready to f**k some guys up. He randomly out of nowhere decides that a solid five seconds of fist… pumping in a circular motion (?) while singing an incorrect version of Bonanza is apropos for this moment. I wish I could add a GIF of that moment because I’m not lying when I say it’s the best moment in this show.
Game time. Ron gets to hear the angry man’s 2003 Googled motivational crap where he talks about gears and adaptable and stuff while silently undermining him. Of course, Posh go on to lose to the worst side in the Football League. Angry man verdict – shit. Direct quote that too.
Ron and Angry Steve agree that the strikers are to blame and the angry man passive-aggressively hints there could be two incoming. IS IT TIME FOR THAT EXERCISE MONTAGE?
No, not yet. We learn that Basil Brush has done some maths and it’d cost Posh half a million if they didn’t go up. We also learn that the fans didn’t like him and he was told never to own a football club. Unsurprisingly, the cartoon fox bangs on about how he needs money. That’s what happens when a fox does business.
Back to training where we see what is going to be a regular feature of this series – Magic Danny throwing a tantrum. He calls Angry Steve a “prick” twice and doesn’t want to play Saturday. Surprisingly, the angry man stays calm.
He also gets a new striker. And he’s free. Well, a free loan. Birmingham man Njazi Kuqi was tall and, crucially, free and a striker. Angry man did his best to justify his signing to the cameras. He convinced nobody.
Gameday – Posh host Barnet on Ron’s birthday. He rather snobbishly denounces the brand on his champagne bottle cake. Ffs Ron, the cartoon fox can barely afford his six houses never mind a bloody birthday cake for you. Posh draw 2-2 with their new, free, tall striker being quite a lot wank. He left right after. Good signing.
So, the striker hunt goes on. Ron likes “the lad that was at The Villa”, angry man likes some others that don’t sway the cartoon fox. Basil seems to want a “proper” centre-forward. Fuck knows what that is. I also like that Ron’s football knowledge is solely limited to people that are at or have played for “The Villa”.
Angry Steve runs across parks and through doors looking for a striker, like a man who’s hunting for his temper or a way to stop being undermined. He found some lad named Lloyd playing at a park and though he was decent. Early initial impressions see him miss and fall on his arse. Where’s that Villa lad?
Striker disagreements to one side for now; Ron has a plan to make some cash. A golf day! It’s the most animated and informed he’s been so far in these two episodes oddly. It’s like he wanted to play golf while fulfilling his contractual obligations, the sly dog.
We get to head down to the astro with Ron too to what is the Posh academy. Ron decides to hold a tryout game for kids to get the last spot in the academy. He chooses a kid with awful long hair who isn’t even acknowledged by name. Ron calls him “you”. We also get an interview with You, here’s the full thing:
Interviewer: What does it mean to you?
You: Good.
Inspirational.
We finish with a trip to Oxford and OH MY GOD I DIDN’T REALISE THIS WAS SO EARLY IN THE SERIES! Basically, Oxford were crap then got new owners and were good and beat Posh. Basil’s pissed, two players have a fight in the changing room but the highlight is saved for Angry Steve who goes supernova. The word battle is used about ten times and it’s amazing:
“When it’s a BATTLE, you f**king BATTLE! YES, YOU BATTLE! YOU BATTLE! BATTLE!”
Iconic moment. Then Stupid Sean pipes up like the petulant child he is. End episode.
Next week: Angry Steve gets slowly angrier, Basil gets angry and Posh continue being shit. Ron’s there too talking golf and The Villa like only he can.