After the midweek irritation that is the Carabao Cup, the big guns returned to the ultra-competitive Premier League and made it look about as difficult as the midweek action in the Carabao Cup. There was a big win for one Manchester side while the other one seems to have a big willy on its mind at the moment. We’re not ones to judge, but the anti-racism body ‘Kick It Out’ might have something to say about it.

Here’s how the also-rans, the cannon fodder, and pressure-keeper-uppers got on.

The Good

Manchester City: Pep will be extra-peppy this week as his high-flying team, assembled on a shoestring budget, high-fived yet another plucky upstart in the face.

Raheem Sterling: Two goals and yet no sign of this headline in The Sun – ‘It was only Palace, don’t get so cocky, Raheem’.

Simon Mignolet: Simon saves! The Liverpool goalkeeper merry-go-round continued and it was the turn of the Belgian to step up and take his place behind the slabs of Swiss cheese masquerading as Liverpool’s defence. He saved a penalty, thereby confirming his selection for Liverpool’s next game wherein he’ll drop a clanger and lose his spot. Until his replacement cocks up and he’s brought back in.

Harry Kane: England’s savior and Daniel Levy’s future £200 million cheque scored twice, trying to make up for his barren August as Spurs try to keep the pressure on the top three.

Oumar Niasse: The Senegalese had been out on his arse since Koeman marched into the manager’s office at Everton. After attempts to get rid of him bore no fruit and with a Romelu Lukaku shaped hole staring him in the face, the Dutchman scraped the bottom of the barrel and out came Niasse. The outcast ended up scoring a brace against Bournemouth in a 2-1 win. The victory might have saved Koeman himself from being kicked to the curb after a terrible start for the Toffees.

Brighton: Three more points!

Alvaro Morata: Three more goals! For a supposed Real Madrid benchwarmer, he’s not doing too badly, is he? If he were named Albert Moriarty, they’d be calling him the white Pele by now.

Watford: Sixth in the table, level on points with two teams who have much higher budgets and even higher expectations.

The Bad

Newcastle United: The world did not end on the 23rd of September, which meant Newcastle tumbled back into the losers’ section.

Liverpool’s Defence: A tear rolled down Kevin Keegan’s cheek as Liverpool’s defenders paid tribute to one of the most entertaining yet porous teams in Premier League history – Keegan’s Newcastle United. Bet he’s loving it.

Roy Hodgson: Just two more games to go before Crystal Palace can start their season in earnest. You should have waited, Roy.

Ronald Koeman: “It is not surprising to me because I know him,” gloated Ronald Koeman as he gazed into his crystal ball after Niasse had scored two goals to save Everton from yet another defeat. Of course, humiliating a player by leaving him out of the squad, without a locker and making him feel unwanted is the surest way to get him motivated. Pass the humble pie, please.

Jose Mourinho: A leopard cannot change its spots. Mourinho cannot stay away from spats.

Serge Aurier: We’re looking forward to Pochettino head-butting him in training.

Rajiv Van La Parra: 2/10 for the dive, minus one for the apology which makes it 1/10. it’ll be better to just stay away from the water, lad.

The Ugly

Peter Crouch’s Tackle: Praise be to the Lord, for Peter Crouch also weighs as much as the stick-figure that he looks like. A little more meat on his bones and he’d have sent Fabregas to the hospital with a broken limb.

Manchester United’s Vocal Minority: Trying to over-compensate for the measurement of their own appendages, some United fans defiantly carried on singing that Lukaku song about their striker’s third leg despite being told, in short words and bold fonts, that it was unacceptable and stunk of racial stereotyping. Phew, that was a long sentence. Though not as long as… Yeah, I’ll stop now.