Pan the Pundits

Oooh, Gary was excited this week! Apparently, the entertainment has gone up “a notch or ten”. He clearly prepped for this week’s show by reading my recap of the second episode of Big Ron Manager. Yes, I have no shame. He’s joined this week by one of the finest pundits on TV today in Danny Murphy and perpetually angry Martin Keown.

We started at Manchester City where Pep’s merry band of full-backs have been the headline-making team for the last two Pan The Pundits. It helps when you have five million full-backs and a time-traveling fictional character though. They were hosting Palace who are s**t but who won in midweek. It was the Carabao Cup though so swings and roundabouts etc.

I mean, did you expect anything else? City didn’t really need to try and even got Fabian Delph on the pitch and scoring a goal. Aguero is still superb and Raheem Sterling is still an overhyped nonce. In Palace’s defence, they have to start with Wayne Hennessey who’s a two-goal disadvantage when he walks onto the pitch. Loftus-Cheek looked good though, so if they can get him service he might be a decent striker. He’s a midfielder? Well then…

Annoyingly Martin Keown got the lead on the analysis for this game. Like much of his career, he was a bit crap.

To Leicester next where a jumped up Stoke hosted Liverpool. As a Liverpool fan, this hasn’t been the best month, to say the least. Mostly because of Dejan Lovren. Unfortunately, he started this game. So did Simon Mignolet. Crap. Leicester are a team of eleven players who get paid a lot to lose.

That Coutinho boy is quite good ain’t he? A lovely goal and assist helped overcome the work Mignolet and Lovren did to lose this game. In fairness to Mignolet, he did save a penalty (he gave away by being scared) to win Liverpool this game which will be used to justify him staying in the team by some idiots. He’s still crap people, wake up. Leicester were a team of eleven players that lost.

Want to know why Danny Murphy is better than Keown? Watch him break down Jamie Vardy’s penalty. Superb pundit.

It was a derby next with Spurs heading to West Ham. Spurs have managed to bottle their title challenge at the earliest possible opportunity by dropping points at home. West Ham seem to hate their fans as the players seem to try just as Slaven Bilic is about to get sacked.

Well, that turned out to be a little closer than it should have been. Serge Aurier proved to be a bit dumb by getting sent off for two pointless challenges, Harry Kane got some more goals to send the English pundits into a euphoric meltdown and West Ham are still really, really bad at defending. Surely, anybody is better than Jose Fonte at this point?

We went to the NotBrittania next where Stoke were hosting the Terminators. Mark Hughes is still not wanting to play Saido Berhaino because he couldn’t hit water if he fell off a boat although the continued choice to play Mame Biram Diouf as a wing back still hurts my brain. The Terminators brought in some new prototypes this week as the current top end models were being rested.

Remember how I call Chelsea Terminators? This game shows why. They hardly created huge amounts of chances but managed to batter four past Stoke who really tried their best but were hampered by the presence of Diouf. And Glen Johnson.

We’re off to Southampton… this early? Really? Oh, Manchester United were in town. I’m sure this will be exciting then. Southampton are still a bit dull and United are obviously still the best team in the world despite playing absolutely no team that will finish within five places of them this season.

Based on stats, Lukaku is better than Louis Saha. Based on the action, this game was s**t.

Off to Goodison next where Everton’s 5000 new signings have stuttered in their impending title challenge. Wait, am I not allowed to say that Ronald? Anyway, they’re a bit crap and they were hosting Bournemouth who finally have some points on the board while old man Jermain has used his ration card to get a goal.

Even when winning Everton are crap. Dear lord. Turns out that they never needed a new striker as Oumar Niasse is clearly their best striker. Ain’t that a turn up for the books? Roberto Martinez was clearly a genius. On a side note, it seems Simon Francis isn’t dead set against drink driving as evidenced by his bloodletting.

It was Swansea next where the United Nations were in town. This continental trip for the UN saw their nationality count rise by a couple this week. It’s always tough away from home in Europe. Swansea are hovering around the bottom of the table, setting themselves up for relegation three years from now.

Swansea are a charitable lot, aren’t they? They gifted the UN both of their goals with Alfie Mawson making the world’s most flimsy tackle in the build-up to the winner drawing the ire of the angry Martin Keown.

We finished this week at Burnley where Onyx hosted Jurgen’s pal David and Huddersfield. David had to play the Belgian lass up top again after French Steve was busy in the physio room while Onyx played all of the big names like… erm…

Very exciting. That’s the punchline.

What did we learn this week? Well, Swansea are kind, Roberto Martinez is a genius, Wayne Hennessey is a detriment and, for f**k sake, STOP PLAYING LOVREN AND MIGNOLET JURGEN.